Yesterday, we gave you a crash course in ‘Fetiquette 101′, listing all the major do’s and don’ts for party-goers this Carnival season and beyond (hope allyuh had a good read and take heed!). As mentioned prior in the previous article, there are always certain characters that consistently appear in each and every Carnival outing. Whether it’s somebody in your crew, a random stranger in the party or you self, yuh bound to find one somewhere in the party. So, after critical acclaim, it only seems fitting that we follow up with a sequel of epic proportions. SCORCHers, we are now pleased to bring to you…The 10 People Yuh Go Find In EVERY Fete!

Sloppy Selwyn

Yuh now reach inside de party and still on yuh first drink, but Selwyn done put away half a bottle of puncheon and he eye buss up. While busy marking ah reds by the speaker, you see him trip over a cooler, bounce into a couple and spill his whole drink on himself. You quickly intervene and tell Selwyn to cool he ass down cause it too early to be getting on so. But here’s the problem; Selwyn never thinks he’s being sloppy. As far as he’s concerned, everybody else is being lame and he can’t understand why he’s the only one trying to have fun. Despite his drunken protests, you confiscate his drink and ban him from the cooler because you know if left unattended, Selwyn will turn into his older brother Sh*t-faced Sherwin, and yuh not trying to leave the party before Machel even come on.

Responsible Rachel

The opposite of Selwyn (or Sherwin depending on how bad things go), is Rachel. There’s responsible, and then there’s Rachel responsible. While most of us will do our part to make sure we don’t get too turnt up and can still make it home alive and in one piece, Rachel provides that next-level responsibility equivalent to a parent with 5 kids at an amusement park. You think you’re being good by going to Soaka with a zip-lock bag for your phone and keys? Rachel put towels and garbage bags in the car trunk for everyone. Think you did well by bringing water to help people sober up after the party? Rachel walked with Andrew’s bubbles and contact lens solution in her purse just in case. Proud of yourself for waiting by the cooler until your friend comes back from the bathroom? Rachel went with her and had wet wipes and hand sanitizer too. Every crew should have a Rachel, especially if there are 2 or 3 Selwyns in the pack.

Wileman Wendell

As his name suggests, Wendell is wherever the wileness is. Flag? He waving it. Water truck? He under the hose. Iwer on stage? He up in front. Apart from his overall ‘enthusiasm’, what makes Wendell’s strength and stamina particularly impressive is that its unique to feting. Outside of Carnival he could barely run a Savannah and he eh see a gym in years, but once he inside de party he cyah stop moving and picking up mampees with ease. The problem with Wendell is that he fails to realise that not everybody is on his energy level and he never wants to leave until the party is properly over, so yuh in for a long night if he’s the driver. Say what you want though, Wendell is the one man who always gets his money’s worth. #turndownforwhat

Stush Stacey

We’ve all seen her. Dressed to the nines with hair and make-up on point, Stacey not on no wile scene (yuh hear dat Wendell?). She’s the girl who wears heels to a cooler fete and is out to turn heads and tease all the men. In between that perfected smile and pose she flashes on cue for the cameramen, she sips her lady drink (champagne if it’s an all-inclusive or box wine if it’s a cooler fete) while bubbling just enough to draw all the male patrons’ interest but not too much to give them any ideas. Should an overconfident (and most likely overdrunk) ‘Selwyn’ try to tief a wine, she promptly stops and steps to the side, eyeballing him judgmentally. Fellas, this gyal is a guaranteed brace, so doh waste yuh time. Just watch and enjoy (but doh let yuh gyal ketch yuh).

Disappearing Dennis

You came with him and you left with him. That’s pretty much all you can remember of Dennis every time y’all go out together. He didn’t stick around by the cooler, you didn’t see him when you went to the bathroom, he wasn’t by the other side of the stage when you made a pass there. Where he goes no one knows but he somehow manages to show up 10 minutes before the party done, just in time to leave. When you ask “But Dennis, where de ass you was whole night boy?!?!”, he gives his usual vague answer of “All over boy…” which is met by a disapproving and sceptical glare by his ticked-off girlfriend who was coasting whole night.

Touchy-Feely Tony

We all have that one friend who just doesn’t understand the notion of personal space. For many of us, when the alcohol hits, we become that friend. Usually reserved, all of Tony’s social walls come crumbling down when the liquor conquers him and every interaction is laden with a tactile assault. When talking to one of his boys, his arm will be slung around their shoulder, or whilst wining on a lady friend, his hands are prone to straying. To make matters worse, Tony has a sister – Touchy Feely Tina – who is even more troublesome. Whereas Tony’s wandering hands can be slapped away without question, you can’t exactly manhandle a woman in public without drawing some attention. This proves problematic for boyfriends on the receiving end of Tina’s advancements who then have to answer the “Who was THAT girl?!?!” question from angry wifeys.

Bareback Barry

Party now start, nobody break a sweat yet and homeboy nipples in yuh face. Usually a sweetman/strongman, Barry relishes the relaxed, non-dress code governed fete environment to parade his chiseled chest and 6-pack abs. Barrys are most commonly found in wet fetes and jouvert parties, where they have an excuse to go shirtless from the first drop of water or paint. To the Barrys of the world, by all means, flaunt your hard work in the gym, our only ask is that you if skip the shirt, please don’t ditch the deodorant.

Fighting Frankie

You would think with endless gyal in de party (bumpah like rainnnnn!), Machel on stage and ample alco flowing, man go be on cloud 9 whole night. However, enter Frankie, who has an axe to grind with he ex-gyal hornerman since last year. Sensing danger, yuh tell Frankie cool he self and stop toting, but a cut-eye and two cuss later, is boom, bang, endless cuff. At this point you’re not sure what to do, cause you doh wanna leave Frankie to take licks by heself, but at the same time you doh wanna jump in and collect a two-slap or worse yet, get kick out the party. When it comes to fights though, prevention is better than cure. So if you have a Frankie your crew, take Fadda Fox advice and duck him so you could enjoy your fete in peace.

Cooler Carla

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines a cooler as ‘a container for keeping food or drinks cool’, NOT ‘a device for women to wine on in a fete’. After you take your time and pack your drinks, chaser and ice for easy access in a fete, Carla – who didn’t even help bring the cooler into the party – quick to go and stand up on it like is ah stool (stooler?). Meanwhile, she expects you to stand up dey sober and sour, until she gets off for a bathroom break. Worse yet, by the end of the night, the cooler top ben up and dutty from she shoes, and you know homegirl eh checking you de next day to help yuh clean it. Steups.

Vibes-Man Victor

Every crew has one and everyone loves him. He’s a toned down version of Wileman Wendell with an intangible charisma to go along. The cool guy that’s always having a good time, but never doing too much, a party doesn’t start until Victor reaches. He’s the one turns a bus ride into a bus lime. He’s the one who brings out the bottle of Punchy Punch to loosen everyone up; the one who turns the long walk out of the party back to the car into a lively riddim section and last pump. Just like Rachel, every crew needs a Victor to ultimately keep the vibe just right, and if you’ve ever been to a SCORCH party, you know why.