Pear-shaped… hourglass-shaped… ectomorph… mesomorph… top-heavy… bottom-heavy… We’ve all heard of the different body types as described in everything from medical science journals to your everyday magazine. But these shapes and sizes are usually based on research using North American or European subjects, i.e. ‘people from foreign’. So what about us Trinis? Where do we fall? Well, for those of you who aren’t sure where exactly you fit, SCORCH has put together an easy reference list that we’re sure you can all relate to.
Dhal Belly Dinesh
A daily diet of 4 with everything slight for breakfast, pepper roti for lunch and a box ah dead for dinner has left Dinesh with more belly than a pregnant mampee in her third trimester. He hasn’t seen his toes since the coup, but despite his every-growing gut, he is the first to take off his shirt during each weekly visit to Caura River. His biggest flaw? Perhaps not the belly itself but his complete ignorance over its size, as he’s often overheard incredulously exclaiming “What yuh mean it eh have no XXXL?!?! What kinda clothes store allyuh really running here?” much to the clueless dismay of a helpless attendant.
Safety Pin Cindy
The opposite of her chubby buddy Dinesh, Cindy has the frame of a worn-out wiper blade. With her pre-pubescent figure that never got more than one guava season, the wire bra for her Carnival costume could pretty much have been made with a paper clip. Struggling to find clothes that she doesn’t drown in, Cindy secretly shops in Micles Kids and when caught, responds sheepishly with a “just looking for a birthday gift for my niece” and quickly disappears. The unfortunate reality for Cindy is that despite her best efforts, she can’t seem to gain any weight, but gets zero sympathy from her friends who always trying to lose a five pounds.But hey, there’s always Herbalife!!!
Maga Marvin
The twin-brother of Cindy, Marvin looks like Wayne Kublalsingh on a Carnival diet. As scrawny as they come, Marvin’s chicken chest is so flat it looks concave and a medium shirt fits him like a queen size bedsheet. Like Cindy, Marvin tries relentlessly to pack on the pounds but the extra calories only show up on his food bill. Ironically, Marvin overcompensates for his bony body by tackling the biggest girls in parties, rightfully earning him the nickname Mampee Marvs from his boys.
Thick Legs Theresa
The definition of slim-thick, Theresa has the upper body of Patrice Roberts with the lower body of Destra. Also known as Thunder Thighs Thelma, Theresa’s larger than life legs are the product of either unusual genetics or an early career in track and field that leaves men looking to track and feel. Theresa is usually in the spotlight come Carnival season, with ample cooler parties for her to rock her favourite high-waisted shorts or batty riders, which draw all the attention away from her tiny waist, bust and arms. When you see her on top the cooler, she looks like a wining T-Rex in all its glory.
Chicken Legs Charlie
On the other end of the leg scale is yuh boy Charlie. He’s not as scrawny on top as Maga Marvin, but his legs make Marvin’s own look like Theresa’s. However, Charlie doesn’t let his underdeveloped lower body keep him back and could be seen running around in many a football sweat looking like a yard fowl in heat. To make matters worse, Charlie’s stick legs are usually hairy and have ah set a bobo all over them, but he doh business and will wear a three-quarters everywhere if he could.
Top Heavy Tim
Tim is the antithesis of Theresa; well-built upper body but with a flimsy lower half. Tim was one of those guys who started working out since secondary school days. While his contemporaries would stay back after school to watch an Intercol game or go down Platform 2 to track some Francois girls, Tim would be in the gym religiously working on that narrow pubescent frame of his. However, like most boys at the time, all he wanted was a big chest and arms, so now after years of (upper)body-building, he’s more top heavy than an improper fraction. With his legs so far behind now, he’s pretty much given up on them and resigned to a uniform-esque wardrobe of jeans and vests to hide that fledgling lower body. Tim hates going to the beach and ducks pool limes like a Jehovah’s Witness on a Sunday morning.
Big Bamsee Barbara
It have butt, it have bottom, it have ass, and then it have bamsee. Barbara is without a shadow of a doubt, in the last category. Barbs is every male driver’s favourite pedestrian, because you will ALWAYS let her cross the road so you could watch that bumper make its way from one side to the next. She’s the reason Kerwin sang too real and despite having no relatives in Port-of-Spain, gets called ‘family’ every time she takes a walk in town. While she’s learnt to embrace and even proudly flaunt her other-worldly posterior, her only regret is she could never find pants that fit.
Big Breast Beverly
The Cleopatra of cleavage, Beverly has more breast than a KFC mega meal. She’s the Barbara of the boob world and her ‘two friends’ are the reason the low-cut top was invented. A distraction (or inspiration) in the workplace and a sight for sore eyes at the beach, it’s easier to maintain eye contact while explaining to your girlfriend why yuh ex texting yuh at 3 in the morning than while having a conversation with Beverly. Her wardrobe consists almost entirely of tops with plunging necklines and she’s no stranger to the question “Are those real?”. Well you know what Bev, they’re not real. They’re too real.
Shortman Sheldon
Too tall to be actually classed a midget but short enough to almost be mistaken for one, Sheldon perhaps has it the hardest because height is the one thing you can’t change. Girls in heels are his worst nightmare, along with friends and family who love to give him sarcastic nicknames like ‘Tallest’ and ‘Long John’. This naturally leaves him with a complex and not much to look up to (except the people around him) so he overcompensates by driving a truck or some similarly large vehicle. However, this does little to soothe his ego when he has to ask someone to get the last bag of Crix on the top shelf for him, proving that he really got the short end of the genetic stick. #punintended
Big Boned Brenda
Brenda is big. Not overweight, not fat, not obese. Just big. That’s just her frame and she can’t help it. She works out regularly and has a healthy diet, but those broad shoulders, wide hips and big joints just can’t get any smaller. Also known as Heavyset Harriet, Brenda would leave men scampering for safety when when Bunji’s ‘Climb Up’ came on in a fete. Growing up, Brenda’s unusually large physique attracted comments from family friends like “Oh gorm, Brenda mudda need to ease up on the provision” and even now in adulthood, embarrassing remarks persist. When her petite friends post pics with her, they get awkward comments like “Love how your Aunt posed for the pic with yall too #socute” leaving poor Brenda thoroughly mortified.
Six Pack Sean
Blessed with the metabolism of an athlete, but without the training and dietary discipline of one, Sean enjoys a lean and well balanced body, much to the annoyance and jealousy of well, everyone else. He’s the guy who can eat 2 gyros after 51 every weekend without fail and not put on an ounce of fat, while the rest of us might gain weight just by staring at the bottle of garlic sauce for too long. His girlfriend, Flat Stomach Fiona, is equally frustrating. She joins the gym 2 weeks before Carnival to ‘tone up’ and ends up looking better than all the other women who were there since November but still stuck in Celluliteville. On behalf of us regular folk who have to work our ass off for those sacred abs, Sean and Fiona we all hate you, but secretly wanna be you.
