Dhal Belly Dinesh

A daily diet of 4 with everything slight for breakfast, pepper roti for lunch and a box ah dead for dinner has left Dinesh with more belly than a pregnant mampee in her third trimester. He hasn’t seen his toes since the coup, but despite his every-growing gut, he is the first to take off his shirt during each weekly visit to Caura River. His biggest flaw? Perhaps not the belly itself but his complete ignorance over its size, as he’s often overheard incredulously exclaiming “What yuh mean it eh have no XXXL?!?! What kinda clothes store allyuh really running here?” much to the clueless dismay of a helpless attendant.

Safety Pin Cindy

The opposite of her chubby buddy Dinesh, Cindy has the frame of a worn-out wiper blade. With her pre-pubescent figure that never got more than one guava season, the wire bra for her Carnival costume could pretty much have been made with a paper clip. Struggling to find clothes that she doesn’t drown in, Cindy secretly shops in Micles Kids and when caught, responds sheepishly with a “just looking for a birthday gift for my niece” and quickly disappears. The unfortunate reality for Cindy is that despite her best efforts, she can’t seem to gain any weight, but gets zero sympathy from her friends who always trying to lose a five pounds.But hey, there’s always Herbalife!!!

Maga Marvin

The twin-brother of Cindy, Marvin looks like Wayne Kublalsingh on a Carnival diet. As scrawny as they come, Marvin’s chicken chest is so flat it looks concave and a medium shirt fits him like a queen size bedsheet. Like Cindy, Marvin tries relentlessly to pack on the pounds but the extra calories only show up on his food bill. Ironically, Marvin overcompensates for his bony body by tackling the biggest girls in parties, rightfully earning him the nickname Mampee Marvs from his boys.

Thick Legs Theresa

The definition of slim-thick, Theresa has the upper body of Patrice Roberts with the lower body of Destra. Also known as Thunder Thighs Thelma, Theresa’s larger than life legs are the product of either unusual genetics or an early career in track and field that leaves men looking to track and feel. Theresa is usually in the spotlight come Carnival season, with ample cooler parties for her to rock her favourite high-waisted shorts or batty riders, which draw all the attention away from her tiny waist, bust and arms. When you see her on top the cooler, she looks like a wining T-Rex in all its glory.

Chicken Legs Charlie

On the other end of the leg scale is yuh boy Charlie. He’s not as scrawny on top as Maga Marvin, but his legs make Marvin’s own look like Theresa’s. However, Charlie doesn’t let his underdeveloped lower body keep him back and could be seen running around in many a football sweat looking like a yard fowl in heat. To make matters worse, Charlie’s stick legs are usually hairy and have ah set a bobo all over them, but he doh business and will wear a three-quarters everywhere if he could.

Top Heavy Tim

Tim is the antithesis of Theresa; well-built upper body but with a flimsy lower half. Tim was one of those guys who started working out since secondary school days. While his contemporaries would stay back after school to watch an Intercol game or go down Platform 2 to track some Francois girls, Tim would be in the gym religiously working on that narrow pubescent frame of his. However, like most boys at the time, all he wanted was a big chest and arms, so now after years of (upper)body-building, he’s more top heavy than an improper fraction. With his legs so far behind now, he’s pretty much given up on them and resigned to a uniform-esque wardrobe of jeans and vests to hide that fledgling lower body. Tim hates going to the beach and ducks pool limes like a Jehovah’s Witness on a Sunday morning.

Big Bamsee Barbara

It have butt, it have bottom, it have ass, and then it have bamsee. Barbara is without a shadow of a doubt, in the last category. Barbs is every male driver’s favourite pedestrian, because you will ALWAYS let her cross the road so you could watch that bumper make its way from one side to the next. She’s the reason Kerwin sang too real and despite having no relatives in Port-of-Spain, gets called ‘family’ every time she takes a walk in town. While she’s learnt to embrace and even proudly flaunt her other-worldly posterior, her only regret is she could never find pants that fit.

Big Breast Beverly

The Cleopatra of cleavage, Beverly has more breast than a KFC mega meal. She’s the Barbara of the boob world and her ‘two friends’ are the reason the low-cut top was invented. A distraction (or inspiration) in the workplace and a sight for sore eyes at the beach, it’s easier to maintain eye contact while explaining to your girlfriend why yuh ex texting yuh at 3 in the morning than while having a conversation with Beverly. Her wardrobe consists almost entirely of tops with plunging necklines and she’s no stranger to the question “Are those real?”. Well you know what Bev, they’re not real. They’re too real.

Shortman Sheldon

Too tall to be actually classed a midget but short enough to almost be mistaken for one, Sheldon perhaps has it the hardest because height is the one thing you can’t change. Girls in heels are his worst nightmare, along with friends and family who love to give him sarcastic nicknames like ‘Tallest’ and ‘Long John’. This naturally leaves him with a complex and not much to look up to (except the people around him) so he overcompensates by driving a truck or some similarly large vehicle. However, this does little to soothe his ego when he has to ask someone to get the last bag of Crix on the top shelf for him, proving that he really got the short end of the genetic stick. #punintended

Big Boned Brenda

Brenda is big. Not overweight, not fat, not obese. Just big. That’s just her frame and she can’t help it. She works out regularly and has a healthy diet, but those broad shoulders, wide hips and big joints just can’t get any smaller. Also known as Heavyset Harriet, Brenda would leave men scampering for safety when when Bunji’s ‘Climb Up’ came on in a fete. Growing up, Brenda’s unusually large physique attracted comments from family friends like “Oh gorm, Brenda mudda need to ease up on the provision” and even now in adulthood, embarrassing remarks persist. When her petite friends post pics with her, they get awkward comments like “Love how your Aunt posed for the pic with yall too #socute” leaving poor Brenda thoroughly mortified.

Six Pack Sean

Blessed with the metabolism of an athlete, but without the training and dietary discipline of one, Sean enjoys a lean and well balanced body, much to the annoyance and jealousy of well, everyone else. He’s the guy who can eat 2 gyros after 51 every weekend without fail and not put on an ounce of fat, while the rest of us might gain weight just by staring at the bottle of garlic sauce for too long. His girlfriend, Flat Stomach Fiona, is equally frustrating. She joins the gym 2 weeks before Carnival to ‘tone up’ and ends up looking better than all the other women who were there since November but still stuck in Celluliteville. On behalf of us regular folk who have to work our ass off for those sacred abs, Sean and Fiona we all hate you, but secretly wanna be you.

Sloppy Selwyn

Yuh now reach inside de party and still on yuh first drink, but Selwyn done put away half a bottle of puncheon and he eye buss up. While busy marking ah reds by the speaker, you see him trip over a cooler, bounce into a couple and spill his whole drink on himself. You quickly intervene and tell Selwyn to cool he ass down cause it too early to be getting on so. But here’s the problem; Selwyn never thinks he’s being sloppy. As far as he’s concerned, everybody else is being lame and he can’t understand why he’s the only one trying to have fun. Despite his drunken protests, you confiscate his drink and ban him from the cooler because you know if left unattended, Selwyn will turn into his older brother Sh*t-faced Sherwin, and yuh not trying to leave the party before Machel even come on.

Responsible Rachel

The opposite of Selwyn (or Sherwin depending on how bad things go), is Rachel. There’s responsible, and then there’s Rachel responsible. While most of us will do our part to make sure we don’t get too turnt up and can still make it home alive and in one piece, Rachel provides that next-level responsibility equivalent to a parent with 5 kids at an amusement park. You think you’re being good by going to Soaka with a zip-lock bag for your phone and keys? Rachel put towels and garbage bags in the car trunk for everyone. Think you did well by bringing water to help people sober up after the party? Rachel walked with Andrew’s bubbles and contact lens solution in her purse just in case. Proud of yourself for waiting by the cooler until your friend comes back from the bathroom? Rachel went with her and had wet wipes and hand sanitizer too. Every crew should have a Rachel, especially if there are 2 or 3 Selwyns in the pack.

Wileman Wendell

As his name suggests, Wendell is wherever the wileness is. Flag? He waving it. Water truck? He under the hose. Iwer on stage? He up in front. Apart from his overall ‘enthusiasm’, what makes Wendell’s strength and stamina particularly impressive is that its unique to feting. Outside of Carnival he could barely run a Savannah and he eh see a gym in years, but once he inside de party he cyah stop moving and picking up mampees with ease. The problem with Wendell is that he fails to realise that not everybody is on his energy level and he never wants to leave until the party is properly over, so yuh in for a long night if he’s the driver. Say what you want though, Wendell is the one man who always gets his money’s worth. #turndownforwhat

Stush Stacey

Photo credit: lime.tt

We’ve all seen her. Dressed to the nines with hair and make-up on point, Stacey not on no wile scene (yuh hear dat Wendell?). She’s the girl who wears heels to a cooler fete and is out to turn heads and tease all the men. In between that perfected smile and pose she flashes on cue for the cameramen, she sips her lady drink (champagne if it’s an all-inclusive or box wine if it’s a cooler fete) while bubbling just enough to draw all the male patrons’ interest but not too much to give them any ideas. Should an overconfident (and most likely overdrunk) ‘Selwyn’ try to tief a wine, she promptly stops and steps to the side, eyeballing him judgmentally. Fellas, this gyal is a guaranteed brace, so doh waste yuh time. Just watch and enjoy (but doh let yuh gyal ketch yuh).

Disappearing Dennis

You came with him and you left with him. That’s pretty much all you can remember of Dennis every time y’all go out together. He didn’t stick around by the cooler, you didn’t see him when you went to the bathroom, he wasn’t by the other side of the stage when you made a pass there. Where he goes no one knows but he somehow manages to show up 10 minutes before the party done, just in time to leave. When you ask “But Dennis, where de ass you was whole night boy?!?!”, he gives his usual vague answer of “All over boy…” which is met by a disapproving and sceptical glare by his ticked-off girlfriend who was coasting whole night.

Touchy-Feely Tony

We all have that one friend who just doesn’t understand the notion of personal space. For many of us, when the alcohol hits, we become that friend. Usually reserved, all of Tony’s social walls come crumbling down when the liquor conquers him and every interaction is laden with a tactile assault. When talking to one of his boys, his arm will be slung around their shoulder, or whilst wining on a lady friend, his hands are prone to straying. To make matters worse, Tony has a sister – Touchy Feely Tina – who is even more troublesome. Whereas Tony’s wandering hands can be slapped away without question, you can’t exactly manhandle a woman in public without drawing some attention. This proves problematic for boyfriends on the receiving end of Tina’s advancements who then have to answer the “Who was THAT girl?!?!” question from angry wifeys.

Bareback Barry

Party now start, nobody break a sweat yet and homeboy nipples in yuh face. Usually a sweetman/strongman, Barry relishes the relaxed, non-dress code governed fete environment to parade his chiseled chest and 6-pack abs. Barrys are most commonly found in wet fetes and jouvert parties, where they have an excuse to go shirtless from the first drop of water or paint. To the Barrys of the world, by all means, flaunt your hard work in the gym, our only ask is that you if skip the shirt, please don’t ditch the deodorant.

Fighting Frankie

You would think with endless gyal in de party (bumpah like rainnnnn!), Machel on stage and ample alco flowing, man go be on cloud 9 whole night. However, enter Frankie, who has an axe to grind with he ex-gyal hornerman since last year. Sensing danger, yuh tell Frankie cool he self and stop toting, but a cut-eye and two cuss later, is boom, bang, endless cuff. At this point you’re not sure what to do, cause you doh wanna leave Frankie to take licks by heself, but at the same time you doh wanna jump in and collect a two-slap or worse yet, get kick out the party. When it comes to fights though, prevention is better than cure. So if you have a Frankie your crew, take Fadda Fox advice and duck him so you could enjoy your fete in peace.

Cooler Carla

Photo credit: lime.tt

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines a cooler as ‘a container for keeping food or drinks cool’, NOT ‘a device for women to wine on in a fete’. After you take your time and pack your drinks, chaser and ice for easy access in a fete, Carla – who didn’t even help bring the cooler into the party – quick to go and stand up on it like is ah stool (stooler?). Meanwhile, she expects you to stand up dey sober and sour, until she gets off for a bathroom break. Worse yet, by the end of the night, the cooler top ben up and dutty from she shoes, and you know homegirl eh checking you de next day to help yuh clean it. Steups.

Vibes-Man Victor

Every crew has one and everyone loves him. He’s a toned down version of Wileman Wendell with an intangible charisma to go along. The cool guy that’s always having a good time, but never doing too much, a party doesn’t start until Victor reaches. He’s the one turns a bus ride into a bus lime. He’s the one who brings out the bottle of Punchy Punch to loosen everyone up; the one who turns the long walk out of the party back to the car into a lively riddim section and last pump. Just like Rachel, every crew needs a Victor to ultimately keep the vibe just right, and if you’ve ever been to a SCORCH party, you know why.

Carnival Come Back Again

For those of us under 30 and too young to remember or appreciate ‘Boom Boom Time’, this is the song that put Iwer George on the map for us. When you’re in a fete and Georgie announces that he’s gonna play some ‘foundation Iwer’ and instructs the DJ to play the proverbial ‘track 2’, you know this song is coming. In this classic, Iwer suggests that despite the overhyped countdown to Carnival that occurs each year, it’s possible to awaken one morning and suddenly be aware that Carnival had returned. This was Iwer’s first and only Road March, earned via a controversial tie with Super Blue that year. The year 2000 may be remembered ominously for Y2K, but for true Iwer fans, this was the year he showed us just how much he could do with a single word and a catchy hook.

Let Meh See Yuh Hand

Following the success of Carnival Come Back Again, Iwer decided to take things up a notch and increase the repetition even more the next year. Iwer broke the triple digit mark with Let Meh See Yuh Hand, where the word ‘hand’ featured 104 times. This follow-up track also hints that Iwer always sought to be more than an artiste, as a means of financial security. In the second ‘verse’, Iwer rambles “Before Puff Daddy and them take this hand in the year thing, make a big tune, sell it and make millions in America, and leave me hungry in Trinidad, yuh see me, one more jump up before they take it and go.” Fourteen years later and still no sign of Puff Daddy yet, we think your career is safe Iwer, but hats off on owning a radio station and cruise boat just in case.

We Reach

Down from his lofty word count of 104 in 2001, We Reach was not as repetitive but the recurring catch phrase made it just as popular. With relevant lyrics which reflected current affairs such as World Cup qualification (“Go and tell yuh family we going World Cup in Germany, we reach!”) it was lapped up by the masses who responded dutifully with the hook from the opening line “Trini (pronounced Chini) this is Carnival and when yuh hear de party start! WE REACH!”.

Fete After Fete

The self-declared ‘anthem for 2007’, Fete After Fete has the lowest word repeat on our list, despite ironically being the only one where the word itself is repeated in the title. However, what it lacks in quantity, it makes up for in variety, with lines like ‘club after club after club after club’ and ‘dance after dance after dance after dance’ replacing the fete after fete refrain.

Water

Another relatively low entry on our list, but boy oh boy, Iwer knew – and still knows – how to work this one. Forget water trucks, or a garden hose, or even a bucket self. With nothing more than a 250ml bottle of Blue Waters (250ml allyuh, we talking Chubby bottle size here!), Iwer would wet down the crowd (and by crowd we mean 3 wild men and a tourist couple at the front of the stage) and send them into a frenzy while belting out this tune. If that isn’t talent, we don’t know what is.

We Like It

Having spent a few years honing his craft with less repetitive hits, Iwer decided it was time to tip the scales again with his 2009 offering, We Like It. The Ziggy Rankin collaboration had one simple message – WINE. And he made sure we knew what it was by telling us it a staggering 159 times. However, later that season, the best was yet to come.

Ready

No Iwer, we weren’t ready. No one was. Who could expect that Iwer would out do himself in the same year with the eponymous single, Ready, a word he repeated a whopping 177 times on this track. Iwer, take win yes.

Come to Meh (No Pain)

If you asked someone in 2010 to name the first soca artiste that came to mind when they hear jab jab, they would have said Tallpree. However, that all changed the following year with the release of Come To Meh. The track’s infectious beat made it a runaway hit that captivated the masses in the lead up to that year’s Soca Monarch finals. Iwer, facing stiff competition from Machel’s Advantage, ditched his usual no-frills performance style and went all out on Fantastic Friday. Using a cherry-picker crane styled as a plane, he staged a ‘landing’ from Grenada and brought the house down on a 45,000+ crowd. We all know how the story ended that night but it didn’t mark the end of Iwer’s love affair with Grenada. He went on to make jab jab a staple in two more tracks, making people wonder if he had roots (or at the very least ah chile mudda) in the Spice Isle.

Bubble

A hilarious ode to the livelihoods and business ventures of artists outside the Carnival season, Bubble was as funny as it was catchy. Many a soca side hustle was revealed here, some already known (Machel selling rum and Iwer selling boat ride!), some less obvious (Saucy selling food!), some totally unknown and sceptical (Bunji Garlin selling clothes!) and some downright incriminating (Prophet selling w**d!). To this day we’re still looking out for a ‘Bunji’s Best Cutz’ or a ‘Fashion by Faye-Ann’, but for now, we’ll just take Iwer’s word for it.

Red

The final entry on our list is this year’s power soca single, Red. This patriotic ballad contains profound lines like “Mammy can’t you see, between you and me, like a red army, taking over we.” and sees Iwer return to his triple digit word count territory. Red is clearly a throwback to his true form of Carnival Come Back Again and Ready; the songs that made Iwer who he is. Some might argue that after so many years in the business, it might do Iwer some good to change his game, but he’s clearly sticking to his tried and true formula. As the saying goes, if ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

From then ‘til now we’ve seen our friendly neighbourhood box ah dead grow to 55 outlets and become a cultural icon. This might seem like a bit of an exaggeration, but when you think about it, it really is. We negotiate with KFC – “Eh yuh see that $50 yuh owe meh from last week? Buy meh ah Dinner Special and we go call it even nah.” We give directions with KFC – “Ah living down Diego side. Take a right by KFC and then look for a green and blue house on the left.” We budget with KFC – “Hmmm ah could do with ah next drink eh, but ah better save meh last $40 so ah could buy a 3-piece after de party.” We reward ourselves with KFC – “Hear nah, yuh see all dis diet ah dieting for Carnival, is me and ah Mega Meal come Ash Wednesday.”

It is this deep, societal entrenchment that has allowed KFC to continue and prosper in spite of consistent price increases and its notoriously poor customer service. With the former being announced just last week, the latter issue has yet again come to light. There is no restaurant, or any commercial entity perhaps, that has a reputation for bad customer service like KFC. So much so that when you DO get the odd pleasant customer experience, you’re left stunned and often suspicious. ‘Wait, did that drive-thru worker just smile at me and say thanks? Something hadda be wrong with this chicken…” Good service at KFC is like an honest politician in Trinidad – after years of being scarred, it just seems too good to be true.

But Trinis, being the passive-aggressive people that we are, will inevitably excuse the price hikes and deplorable service with little to no protest. Yes, there will be the initial “Not me an dem again nah, I go fry meh own chicken at home” from the odd few, but when you drive past the nearest outlet on a Friday night, the line long like the one in the Passport Office. KFC is like that bad significant other who we know we deserve better than, but we just can’t help ourselves and keep going back to them. If KFC is Chris Brown we’re its Rihanna, and we love the way you fry.

But why does it have to be this way? Why must they never have change for a hundred? (“Yuh eh have nuttin smaller?”) Why must at least one thing in your order be unavailable? (“No corn, only fries and biscuits.”) Perhaps the rampant inefficiency is an intentional sales ploy – if they make you wait long enough in the line your initial order of a Snack Pack might turn into a Big Box Meal by the time you reach the cashier. Or maybe it’s not really KFC’s fault – with a typically high staff turnover they find it either impossible or impractical to train their employees where customer service is concerned.

At the end of the day the customer service problem goes well beyond KFC and permeates the entire local retail industry in general, but KFC, being perhaps the guiltiest offender, bears the brunt of criticism from the masses. However, the next time you go to order a Zinger combo and get a side of suck-teet and sour face, here’s some food for thought; we don’t depend on KFC, KFC depends on us. No matter how big or small a business is, they are nothing, nothing without the consumer. It is we, with our collective buying power, that turned that little pilot project in St. James 41 years ago into the multi-million dollar fast-food behemoth it is today.

Next order please…

This innate overreaction manifests itself in all aspects of our lives, including acts of protest. Case in point, the woman who camp outside HDC head office because she was tired waiting on a house. Never prone to subtle objection, if a Trini is disgruntled, they will be seen AND heard.

But gone are the days when a typical strike consisted of a small group of protesters with crudely drawn placards, marching back and forth while chanting in unison ‘We Want We Money Right Now!’, ‘We Not Taking That’ or some equally grievant refrain. There’s a new approach to reproach in town – the hunger strike.

Hunger strikes are by no means a novelty, dating back to the early 20th century in the days of Gandhi who is perhaps the poster child for this form of passive resistance. Fast-forward over a hundred years later and Wayne Kublalsingh, coincidentally compared to Gandhi by masman Peter Minshall, has taken the road of starvation and inspired others to do so. At our last count, there were not one, not two but three parties banning their belly for a cause. If JT brought sexy back, then Kubs brought hungry back.

For those of you who can’t keep up, doh worry, SCORCH have yuh back as usual. Here’s the rundown on the fasting and the furious.

Wayne Kublalsingh

Former University lecturer and die-hard environmentalist, Wayne Kublalsingh is the consummate idealist and no stranger to a hungry belly. This is his second hunger strike but for the same cause as the first, i.e., the construction of the proposed highway from San Fernando to Point Fortin. Kublalsingh does not oppose the highway in principle, but argues that the current route poses an ecological threat to the Oropouche Lagoon. Kublalsingh ended his first hunger strike when the government agreed to discuss the potential environmental impact as per the James Armstrong report. However, the government did not make good on their promise. Despite findings in the Armstrong report that raised questions over EMA approval and potential flooding along the Debe to Mon Desir portion, there was no further discussion between the government and the Highway Re-route Movement and construction continued as planned. This prompted Kublalsingh to embark on a second hunger strike, which is going into its fifth week. While seen in an almost saint-like light by his followers and supporters, others have dismissed Kublalsingh as an impractical extremist. The legitimacy of his hunger strike has also been questioned, with many accusing him of eating/drinking when he goes home at the end of each day. Let’s also not forget Jack Warner’s infamous claim that he saw him eating doubles out of the back of a van during his first hunger strike.

Ravi Maharaj

Much like the saying ‘fight fire with fire’ goes, the best way to fight a hunger strike is with a hunger strike. At least, that’s what Ravi Maharaj thinks. Maharaj shot into the spotlight after giving Kublalsingh a two-day ultimatum from the time of warning to end his hunger strike, or else he would stage one of his own. Initially reported as an advisor to the UWI Vice-Chancellor, UWI issued a statement denying that Maharaj was in their employ and distanced the University from him and the whole issue altogether. A subsequent report surfaced confirming Maharaj was actually a technician by trade and had no affiliation with UWI. Unsurprising to many, Maharaj’s hunger strike proved to be as sound as his resumé, and after just five days of setting up camp a stone’s throw away from Kublalsingh outside the PM’s office, he fainted and had to call it quits. Like dem gas pains is not for everybody.

Project 40

The last hunger party is a newly formed NGO of sorts championed by a group of socially conscious young people. These famished few support Kublalsingh, but not just as it relates to the issue of the highway re-routing; their goal is to encourage greater transparency and accountability by the government, especially as it pertains to sustainable development. They have promised to fast for 40 days (hence the name) and are encouraging members of the public to join them in support of their cause. (Check out their Facebook page if you’re interested).

So the next time you licking down three with everything slight, just know it have a good few people out there who eh see ah bara in days or even weeks. Whether these food deprived few end up achieving anything more than a belly gripe remains left to be seen, but with construction on the highway going full steam ahead, it’s safe to say at least somebody eating ah food already.

DVDs (and condoms)

Three years ago Tanty Kams implemented the now notorious State of Emergency and national curfew and three years later we still don’t really know what it was for. What we do know however, is with Trinis trapped in their houses all night (especially during the 9-5 curfew), binge watching was one of two vices they could indulge in. From the well-established MovieZone to the random piper hustling on Independence Square, DVDs was selling like hot doubles. As for the other vice, well, nobody does lie down in bed whole night playing Scrabble, so we sure Trojan eat ah food.

Buckets

Dis Carnival we movin’ with eeeet! Swappi’s 2012 release was an instant hit and almost as instant as its success was the rise in bucket sales. Much to the dismay of the innocent household cleaner or gardener who wanted a bucket for well, you know, functional reasons like filling up water, Peake’s and Bhagwansingh’s couldn’t keep up with the demand from fete-goers who were buying buckets by the dozen to put their alco in.

Powder

Much like Swappi did for buckets, Machel did for powder. When The Fog first hit the airwaves it received a mediocre response (by Machel standards at least) but after an iconic performance at Soaka and the music video realse shortly after, it was no stopping Double M and his powder posse. Keeping in mind powder was already a staple for Jouvert, Johnson & Johnson’s was making a killing that Carnival season. Hard luck for all dem baddis who must have been coasting ‘cause they had none to put round dey neck and all dem mothers who newborn was bawling from diaper rash.

Clarks

Ah whey get dem new Clarks dey Daddy? With one small line Vybz Kartel and a then-unknown Popcaan and Gaza Slim brought back a shoe that had pretty much died when the legendary Drag Mall that sold them the cheapest burnt down. But in Summer 2010 that all changed and all of a sudden men was rocking dey Sandman, leather centre-stich and Wallabees like dey going ah old school Mayfair. After all, bag ah sneakers, does give yuh cheesy foot.

Honourable Mention: Mampees

Is years now it have man who like they thick sauce, but with Mr. Killa’s runaway hit Rolly Polly racking up over 3 million YouTube views and a 2nd place finish in this year’s Power Soca Monarch, he really put mampees on the map. While mampees themselves may not be a product, we wouldn’t be surprised if there was a corresponding upsurge in back braces sales after Carnival. #heavylifting

As you may have noticed from our list, music tends to be one of the biggest factors influencing sales. Moral of the story? If you want your product to sell, get a popular person to sing about it. Let’s hope Machel never cuts a track about proper customer service in KFC or a good red ting, ‘cause dem two already hard to get.

PUMP: New things we like

South Quay/City Gate flood alleviation programme
“’When it rain, Port-of-Spain in pain, ‘dem drain under strain, so is flood again. My friends, money eh no problem.” Lord Shorty sang these words 36 years ago and since then, nuthin’ change. However, the government has announced a new initiative aimed at clearing the drain system in southern Port-of-Spain to end this problem. That way yuh new pair of Aldo’s wouldn’t get soak crossing South Quay and you eh go get ringworm waiting for a maxi on Platform 2.

Tax exemptions on hybrid cars
With the gas subsidy averaging a whopping $2b per year, it’s draining income like a high-maintenance girlfriend (and yuh kno dey cyah raise gas this year). The tax incentive on electric and hybrid vehicles could help curb this, whilst sparing the environment from a set of exhaust fumes it already getting from regular cars.

Establishing of Motor Vehicle Authority
The only line longer than the one in the Licensing Office is the one in KFC Independence Square on Ash Wednesday. With the establishment of a Motor Vehicle Authority (in Caroni?) and 13 access offices, we hope those days of taking a whole day off just to renew your licence or transfer a vehicle will be over.

Minimum wage & pension increase
As Shadow put it, poverty is hell, but how yuh planning to survive if yuh too old to work? Remember the days when yuh could get a good lunch for $20, see a movie for $10?
The cost of living has gone up tremendously over the years and even those performing the most basic of jobs should be remunerated with the effects of inflation in mind. Although, I find it coulda be a little more eh..

Consideration of alternative route to Chaguanas
The East have the bus route, South get a water taxi, Diego get a new highway… is only Central getting leave out. Chaguanas is our fastest growing city and its infrastructure needs to keep up. Imagine dey get a Chuck E. Cheese before a new highway or main road.

RINSE: Things dey need to come again with

$500 baby care grant
Now doh get us wrong, helping the needy is all well and good, especially those with children, but… really? For starters, how do we know that extra money won’t be used to get mani/pedi and a new lace front ? Our suggestion? How about supermarket vouchers redeemable for certain items

$300 increase in disability grant
Like the baby care grant, we get the point of the financial aid, but again, this seems like a somewhat lazy solution. While the extra cash is necessary, upgrading our infrastructures to facilitate the differently-abled population should have also been a priority.

$1m estate payout for law enforcement officers
Why not spend money to upgrade and computerize police stations? It is a shame that in 2014 officers still have to look through a big notebook to find & make a report when quick computer could save so much time and effort. Is it that they ‘fraid the PC and Corporal go be checking Facebook while on d’ clock?

REPEAT: Things we’ve seen before that need improving/changing

$1bn for coastal interceptors and patrol boats
Sooooooooooooooo they sell all the Offshore Patrol Vessels (OPVs) at a fraction of the cost they were purchased by the previous gov’t, and then… plan to spend A BILLION DOLLARS to buy more of them?!?! Ok.

CEPEP
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish, you feed him for life. Yea, CEPEP solves the unemployment problem in the short-term but it has created a dependency culture that prevents long-term growth and development. The government should aim to train and develop those enrolled in the programme so that after a period of say 2 years, they can progress to regular employment.

GATE programme
Just like CEPEP, this programme is being abused at the expense of the Treasury. However, the government has promised to “strengthen the quality of the system” via the “soon-to-be-introduced National Qualifications and Credit Framework” (whatever that is).

So before we get cuss, we know we deliberately avoided the fact that with oil prices at a record high of over $100 per barrel, we were presented with a deficit budget of $6.3 billion dollars and that we barely skimmed the surface on the entire 2014 budget. We just humbly asking Madame Prime Minister, stop de damn corruption and actually follow through with what yuh claim yuh gonna do this time nuh!

“…And we would like to keep it that way!”

Both employer and (former) employee have refused to provide further details on the altercation but one eye-witness claims to have seen McGoldteet attack her supervisor with a drinking straw while another explained that this was in retaliation to her being threatened first with a plastic fork. Scorch has since learned that both parties are taking legal action with McGoldteet pressing charges for unfair dismissal and aggravated assault and the restaurant chain seeking damages for loss of property stemming from two centre breasts and a portion of fries which were destroyed in the
fracas.

When contacted for comment, Frederick Fingerlickin’, (Vice President, Corporate Communications) said he fully supported the disciplinary action taken against McGoldteet and saw it as a prime opportunity to reiterate their zero tolerance policy on good service. “This franchise was built on suck-teet and sour face and it’s strict adherence to these organizational principles that has allowed it to continue and prosper, even in these trying economic times” he said. “Thanking customers for their purchase and encouraging them to come again is simply inconsistent with our core values and goes entirely against our brand ethos.”

1. She uses you to scare off guys she isn’t interested in or to make the ones she is jealous.

2. You’re the first guy she introduces her boyfriend to.

3. You’re also the first guy she calls when she and said boyfriend fight/break up.

4. She’s referred to you at least once as the “brother she never had”.

5. Her parents ask you to spend the night when they’re away to make sure she’s safe.

6. She made a picture of the two of you her profile pic on Facebook… with the caption “BFF <3.”

7. When her mother always asks “How come you never tried for _______” she just scoffs uninterestedly.

8. She asks you for your opinion on other guys she’s dating or interested in.

9. You always drop her home after parties… but never get invited inside.

10. That one time y’all got drunk together and almost hooked up, she turned you down by saying she “Didn’t wanna ruin your great friendship.”

WOMEN:

1. Wait, it have a friend zone for women? Once yuh eh too hard on the eye he bound to make ah pass at yuh… Just wait ‘til both ah allyuh drunk and yuh go see.