Go the Promoter Route

If yuh know yuh like to parade yuh body but never have the money to fulfill yuh social aspirations, finding yuhself on every committee possible may be the best option for you. Selling tickets for other people party is one of the more sure fire ways to palance for free. Just be prepared to put up with all the groups, broadcast messages and yuh Instagram looking like a Convent gyal invi collage.

Find a Sugar Momma/Daddy

If you can’t mind yuhself, but possess the necessary game to do so, find somebody else to mind yuh, oui. We ain’t mad atcha, everybody’s gotta live. If you have the ability to find yuhself in such a win-win situation, many fine spoils await your broke ass on the other side. Just be sure of the terms of the relationship, there’s a fine line between presents and prostitution.

Side Hustle

Whether ya decide to sell a lil plum on de beach, water on the highway or plus sized panty on Charlotte Street, a side hustle will help you make ends meet while still trying your very best to “ball out”. Now not all side hustles are created equal or are capable of the same return. But for us law abiding folk, at least yuh will be able to buy the gyul her own box of fries.

Wardrobe Sou-Sou

Females have known this secret for centuries, broke and rich alike. Many believe they invented the art of sharing clothes as a bonding exercise (See movie ‘Sisterhood of the Traveling Panties’ or whatever its called). However, for the financially challenged, it’s more a matter of social survival. So, do yuhself a favour and find some close friends with similar body types that you can borrow a piece or two from and vice versa. This way you always have something ‘new’ to wear without having to jump out that cash money. Just make sure you’re friends have a sense of style. Rattan’s goods aren’t ‘baller’.

Links Banton

This one is fairly simple, get a link…for EVERYTHING! Whether it means becoming best friends with the bouncer at Fluid, tracking a cashier at KFC for those free snack packs or linking yuh cousin who working Digicel when yuh need ah lil extra credit; use your network to increase your net worth. You may be called an opportunist or have to go through a convoluted process to get something that would just cost yuh $25, but hey, yuh ballin on a budget and no price cheaper than $FREE.99!!!

N.B. Always remember that after freeness is penis, so don’t abuse your privileges too much or you may end up inna ‘sticky’ situation!

DO: Dress appropriately. Pan is a fun filled day of madness and many unpredictable events. As such, while you want to be sure to look your best, it is also wise to expect the unexpected and dress for all conditions and situations. Most importantly, if you are going to party on the greens, anticipate the dust bowl/mud pit that you are almost sure to encounter and wear suitable footwear.

DON’T: Be a victim of your own fashion stupidity. Ladies, know your size, shape and strengths and dress accordingly, or you very well might end up with a Fashion Police citing and your unflattering image posted somewhere! Additionally, if yuh have to park 12 New York blocks away, you may want to reconsider those 6 inch spiked heels. Fellas the same goes for you: Doh play no strong man ting and cut up yuh juzzy into no douche tank if yuh sporting a gut and a C cup. When it comes to pan, less is truly more (to the strippers and Bareback Barry’s, NO we don’t mean less clothes). Simply dial down the excessive dressiness a bit and know where yuh crease is and kindly bat in it!

DO: Buy a ticket for the right section. I’m not gonna ignite the debate of whether Stands or Greens have more vibes, but if yuh know 90% of your team liming in the Greens, buy that ticket! Doh feel that visa face could get you in and out of every section. Yuh name eh ‘Boy’, so take it down.

DON’T: Expect an entrance ticket to be part of a package. This is pretty much common sense, but it still happens every year. Unless you purchase a package that EXPLICITLY says that an entrance ticket is provided, Mr. Man yuh have to buy yuh own damn ticket! You don’t want to be the man stuck by the door watching all them bumpers passing and men toting in coolers wearing your same jersey and you outside in problems. DON’T be a statistic.

DO: Go with YOUR team. Whether you arrive in unison or individually, it’s always best to pump with YOUR team. This will save you countless agonizing minutes trying to find someone you know, and greatly assist you in building ah vibe as soon as you reach. If you are unsure of if a team is yours or not – when the seal crack on the bottle and you are not handed a cup or the bottle is not passed to you, that is NOT your team. It is also recommended that you roll with a team that has vibes, so if yuh playing mas with YUMA, pump with your YUMA peeps. If you are still unaware of crews that are renowned for their high vibes level, might I suggest the ultimate pumping machine, SCORCH (check www.islandetickets.com for availability).

Bish DON’T: kill my vibe. It’s Pan, nobody wants a buzz kill/party pooper/killjoy/Debbie Downer around. We all need a Responsible Rachel in the group, but if we wanted a sermon on this particular Sunday, you know where we would be! So if you not having a good time, don’t spoil ours!

DO: Beware of pickpockets. As explained earlier, we doh want no killjoy and nothing puts a frown on a tipsy face faster than a missing phone or wallet. So be extra vigilant and make sure you stay aware of your surroundings. You know how you like to whip out ya nice phone and post all kina selfies in the dance and tweet about performances in the SCORCH section, so always watch your back and more so, ya pocket! Unless yuh wining back on me, of course…if so, doh look back, just do like a gyabage man and ‘CHO waist!

DON’T: Be a Sloppy Selwyn/Selina. So you come early, early like yuh wanted to open Pan and help everybody set up dey tent, and needless to say yuh drinking Puncheon straight since noon! This sort of behavior will almost guarantee that you will be the one kyap out by the toilet before dark, Sir. Please refrain, it’s not classy. Conversely, Cooler Carla, you help pack the drinks, so as a reward you’ve been sipping on hot Ciroc in your Tribe cup on the way with a lil cran or soda, just cause you didn’t wanna buss the ice bag…don’t be a statistic. Yuh might be sweet, but we WILL laugh at you if you face-plant! So drink responsibly.

DO: Admire all the eye candy. We know what you all really came for, and it sure wasn’t to hear Exodus! Yuh come to fill yuh eye. Nothing wrong with that. Pan is an ideal event for grade A bird-watching and enjoying what the Father has provided on this earth for us (Thank you Jesus!). And ladies we know you also came to take a conservative gape. Don’t lie, we see yuh throwing eye at Abs Banton! So enjoy all the colours and shades, creeds and races of beauty all around us. That’s what Pan is for! However, on the flip side…

DON’T: Be a Tusty Thomas/Theresa. As we stated before, Pan is to fill yuh eye, but it seems some people are as subtle as Ian Alleyne with a loudspeaker! Once again, BAT IN YUH CREASE. Doh get make out! Play it cool ladies and gents. Give everyone their personal space. No uncomfortable stares and overly enthusiastic pelvic thrusts. For those of you struggling with your thirst, we suggest packing your ‘eye rapers’ to help ease the effects of your bad habits. But please, remember to wipe the drool from the corner of your mouth (quick before someone notice!).

DO: Stay hydrated and know your limits. This should be common sense. If the place hot and yuh batting like Chanders, take a Blue Waters break nah! Also, know your limit. If you are a 105lb UWI freshman, yuh have no business trying to consume your body weight in alcohol in 2 hours. Yuh will end up in a very bad way! On a special note, all the pumpers who have been hitting the gym hard and sticking to that diet, which most likely includes no alcohol…pace yuhself if you wanna drink for Pan. The same way you stretch before a workout, give your liver a little stretch before Pan to ensure you don’t get lightheaded too fast.

With these tips, even if you’re a Pan newbie, you are virtually guaranteed to have a ball at one of the premier events for the Carnival season. In closing, here are some final pointers: DON’T refuse shots in the SCORCH section, DO drink responsibly and/or designate a licensed driver, DON’T get caught in no wrong stand up (keep Pan drama free), DO pack yuh ‘just in case’ items (JUST IN CASE *wink*), DON’T come by SCORCH without a SCORCH X STEEL package and finally, please DO have a good time!

1. There are benefits to hornin’ and evolutionary scientists agree. Now we not talkin’ bout getting your cake,cake,cake and eating it too eh palos. Evolutionary scientists have suggested that there were numerous benefits to infidelity back in Captain Caveman’s day.

Firstly, genetic variety was ensured when a prehistoric woman butt she man, a huge benefit for humanity’s survival.

Secondly, a woman would reap economic benefits (there was no money then so they probably mean animal carcasses and colourful beads.

Ironically, women with horner men still get the same gifts today (who say Carnival costume!!!) In pre-history, the over-sexed males who had numerous partners propagated the most, resulting in that hornin gene being passed on. Makes sense…

2. There is in fact a hornin’ gene in men!!!! Actually there is a gene that when present in a man’s physiology indicates the individual will be unable to form a strong attachment to their significant other. Less attachment emotionally means horn sharing like wind!!!

3. Hornin’ is a reality across cultures. It was rampant with the classical Greeks and Romans (they also enjoyed same sex relations), pre-industrial Europeans, historical Japanese, Chinese and Hindus. So it cannot be said of Trinis that we are the root cause and sole providers of as the Jamaicans term it, “bu’n”. We didn’t start the hornin’, it was always burning since the world’s been turning…

4. Coupling up is a hallmark of human society. UN studies have shown that across different societies, close to 90% of men and women get married by the time they are 50. So horn or no horn, people getting married, and that’s a good thing….right?

5. Hornin’ doesn’t mean a relationship is doomed or unhappy. Despite the conventional wisdom that says if you hornin’ yuh not happy, one study shows that 56% of lolo-sharing men said their relationship was happy or very happy and conversely 34% of cheating women said the same. Go figure!

6. Eating a next man food or mate poaching as it is also called is no longer taboo, it is actually a trend. Recent studies now show that Cassie echoes nuff horner man and woman sentiments in the 21st Century, as more and more individuals are now trying to steal individuals who are already in committed relationships, and make them their significant others. Good luck peeps, but as the ole people say, “ How you get dem, yuh lose dem!”

7. Hornin’ is everywhere!! Though not on the zombie levels of say “The Walking Dead” or “World War Z”, hornin gone clear dread! A 2010 study right here in T&T showed 40% of married men interviewed have cheated on their spouses with 30% of married women doing the same. Personally I feel the women lied to cover their arses, and the men too! Look at those numbers, and that is pre Instagram people!Imagine the level of forkries hornin’ has surpassed in 2014….Lawd Fadda!

8. There are different types of hornin’. Hornin’ no longer can be constrained to just p in v or oral enjoyment *insert Gage sound effect here* anymore! Hornin’ now includes romantic hornin’, where emotional cheating takes place without any penetration; good ole fashioned sexual hornin’ which includes all the perverse, physical attributes (the best kind) and the combo of sexual and romantic involvement where yuh just forking caught up and paranoid like TY$.

9. Our own damn brains contribute to hornin’. Now this one shocked me, as me and a female co-worker discussed this some time ago as she was describing her being caught between two cockys, I mean men. She maintained she loved the horner man, who she was with prior to her current salami, I mean beau. But attached to her boyfriend, who was actually better in bed than said horner helper…Dafuq!!!! Experts now say that 3 parts of our brain deal with sex drive, emotional love and lastly partner attachment. Sometimes they work in combination, other times separately with no co-relation, resulting in one actually getting bazodee by the different impulses and messages shooting through your cranium. Isn’t science marvelous?! No wonder Bill Nye horn he wife…

10. This one everyone knew already but we can re-iterate: Hornin’ is caused by a variety of psychological, cultural and economic variables but one thing is clear—Hornin’ is global! It is an international phenomenon that happens with remarkable regularity despite the near universal disapproval of this behaviour. It’s like stealing and office bjs, you know it’s wrong but it’s still gonna happen anyway….

On my Facebook status updates feed I increasingly see venting. No not the regular man/woman drama; inescapable “haters”; badmind, film-flammery; office politics, politics; monkey glands raised by rainy weather; soundboy beef; new local porn or who get make out, it is something way more insidious.

It is of a dark and sinister nature… people getting loud up because of Candy Crush.

And I quote, “Not me and allyuh b!tches! 12 days I stuck on this stage and can’t get no extra moves and I always sending life #forkitImtotin”

Is this what we’ve come to people? Toting feelings off of Candy Crush? Really?! From the eerie music, the yodeling, to the Technicolor confections, Candy Crush has seeped into our lives and clogged up our arteries with cloying sweetness!

Debilitating addiction is your only option when you have opened Pandora’s Box and beaten your first level.

At first it’s innocent enough. You need a distraction from your office distractions.

You have mastered sling and bird and brought your friends’ list to their knees as you rack up weekly wins, so now you need a new challenge.

You are tired of “selling coke in Amsterdam and settling mob feuds”. You have grown weary of the fashion police, their photo galleries have become repetitive, tacky and mean.

You click on an invite: Candy Crush Saga…

“What is this saga about candy?” you ask yourself. “Who is this weird, gangly man with a monocle and a moustache? Is he and the Monopoly man family? Are they and Mr Peanut from Planters in a cult? They in ting? Why is he pumping with this little girl? Is that legal? She has freckles and pigtails for God’s sake! What are these strange hard candies? And why must they be collected in threes?” You move past your initial horror and curiosity and play your first game.

It is enjoyable, and that first high of clearing that level fills your body with endorphins. You rapidly pass friends with each level and you smile and think to yourself, “Lazy bastards…I now start to play and I beatin yuh back!”

Then you are faced with your first dilemma, and start to realize you may have something deeply vested in this cherubic little girl and her creepy, lanky partner: “I need tickets…I need to board this train….why won’t anyone help me? I’m just a little girl….”

You pace as you wait for anyone, someone to heed your request. Nothing….you start smoking that cancer stick and randomly selecting people. “That oughta do it…yea, yea, see…yea…”

Eight minutes go by and you feel like you’re in primary school again and those last excruciating minutes before recess trickled slower than molasses down a fat girl’s third chin. Refresh page! Refresh!

You eye your phone, “Jeremy plays Candy Crush…yea, see, yea…he always has a top score so I send him lives…yea, see, yea….maybe I should whatsapp him and remind him I sent that request…yea, see…yea…”

You laugh at yourself, “That’s crazy! It’s just a game, yea…just a game see…yea…see…just a game see…yea…crazy!”

You start rocking back and forth sobbing softly as you listen to Coldplay…then as you type the message….you realize… “Tallman and Smallie aren’t on the stick….I’m on the stick….”

If Candy Crush Saga is just a game….then Saw is just a game… *In Ras Shorty I voice* Watch out my children, watch out my children!

If you are sitting there scratching your head be thankful you don’t know what the jail I’m talking about, but it’s ok. Daddy is gonna break it down for ya.“What Does the Fox Say” is an insanely popular (at the time of this typing just over 167 MILLION views on YouTube) song and accompanying video by Norwegian (had to be uber foreign) comedy duo Ylvis which primarily deals with the kindergarten topic of animal sounds.

Suffice it to say, it’s worse than “Gangnam Style” and doubly infectious. It is also woefully misguided and uninformed.

When I was in montessori those eons ago, it was clearly established that foxes bark. Not like Fido or Rover, but a bark nonetheless. More animalistic and sharp than a dog, but the little red furry bastard used to bark. Did foxes lose their “speech” in 20 years, if so, can we prescribe the same drug to our aging politicians?

The second viral video and topic of this needless article is Ram 2, more specifically “Who is Ram 2, the documentary”. This video, locally made and with a shockingly high production value, follows intrepid cellphone and videocam  reporters  spanning the globe, ubiquitously enquiring, “ Who is Ram 2?” to any passerby or nonviolent person they meet.

I say nonviolent because I know during the filming of this I wouldn’t be approached because I’m way too big, muscular and surely to be approached with such forkries…but I digress.

STFU!

This mockumentary was created in response to a pseudo rap “beef” between local underground (read nobody you ever heard of) rappers King Tut and Ram 2. Some other underground rapper is involved but he is too small of a small fry to mention in mentioning this small fry “beef”.

Again, I digress…anyway the moral of this article is these 2 videos while mildly funny and moderately entertaining have become major time wasters and topics of discussion at work,gym, ze bar, ze smokers’ cypher so needlessly!

*In best Kamla celebratory (read tight) voice* My people! Stop! Come Home! Let’s let these viral fads die a quick death nah please…por favor! I fed up hear “ding ding ding ding ding!” and “Who the fork is Ram 2?”

Don’t we have better things to talk about? Like crime, healthcare, illiteracy, racism, bigotry and intolerance, cost of living, politiricks, global warming…coitus?!Sports?! Why can’t these blasted videos go the way of “Redman” and the dodo? Didn’t google inventors get rich by being able to answer such questions in seconds? So don’t we know what the forking fox say and who the fork is Ram 2?!
So in closing, find something better to talk bout and reference please Trinbago! Meh head hot!

P.S. And Tyler Perry… sorry I mean Ian Alleyne still running for MP?….Jesus take the wheel!!!