Firstly, a piper hustles and is always trapping, even if this hustling and trapping is done on the lowest rung of the hustle-trap scale. A piper is not as eat-his-own-shit crazy as a vagrant. Forget paying for a gym membership and buying all that whey protein and suppliments–Pipers are ripped AF, and can carry up to ten times their body weight on their heads and push/pull twenty times their body weight on a trolly or grocery cart–ROLLER BLADING.

Pipers are comedians and entertainers, especially when drunk or high: plus pipers are always drunk or high–except on Sundays. Pipers are expert escape artists and wall/ tree/ building/ barbwire fence climbers and can fit through spaces tighter than two fat girls in a swift. A piper’s immune system is 5X stronger than the average human being–Pipers don’t get sick, they just die. Pipers are impervious to being hit by big stones and glass bottles, but a rock of crack will bring them to their knees faster than Kamla’s concession speech. It is impossible to out run or catch a piper. Without pipers our drains, rivers and oceans would be overflowing with glass bottles. Pipers are expert car washers, yard cleaners and cobo catchers. They are also expert dog whisperers, specializing in Pothounds.

However, it is important to rember that a piper is just one missed shower, one missed meal, or one missed visit to the mad house away from being a vagrant.

So we’ve been seeing everywhere the topic of Fcuk Boys. Some people are asking what is a Fcuk Boy, some are asking how to spot one and then there are those who have clearly come into contact with one/many and regularly post memes talking about stay away from the likes of them.

It got us to thinking. Who does the onus lay on? The Fcuk Boy or the Fcukee? The more we thought about it, the more we actually kinda side with these Fcuk Boys.

Okay let’s start with the general definition of a Fcuk Boy. According to John Say and Jane Hear, a Fcuk Boy is

Now we have our top 5 reasons we think you, the Fcukee, are to blame:

Fcuk Boys do not become Fcuk Boys overnight.

Too often we see females complaining about Fcuk boys when he was always a Fcuk boy to begin with. You didn’t even notice you were attracted to him in the first place because he was a Fcuk boy. You didn’t know much about him, you hardly see him out with a girl, he looks cute, dresses nice, smells nice, always looks like he’s having fun, and probably approached you when you glanced at him that 3rd time.

Do your research sweetheart. Look at his friends, look at his photos, ask around about him. Too many times females don’t want to come across as a crazy person so they rock back and swallow whatever he offers. You start bad.

He’ll never have a girlfriend

So you took our advice and you asked around about him. You hear talk that Melissa is his ‘ting.’ What kinda ‘ting’ is that you wonder. You put on your big girl panties and you ask him. Immediately he laughs and asks a few questions of his own:

Where you hear that girl

I’m not ready to settle down so doh study that.

…or he won’t reply for a few hours and tada! Topic change.

You ignore alllllll of that and say okay, makes sense. And continue thinking hmmm, I’m going to be the girl that changes his mind. No. Never. Stop.

ALL of his friends are Fcuk Boys

You asked about him and you even did a stalk on Instagram. You now have a pretty decent grasp of who he is, where he limes and most importantly, who his friends are. Most people hate the saying ‘Birds of a feather flock together’ but with regards to the Philosophy of Fcukism…This is 99.9% true.

If he tells you differently, do not be mad that you bought the dream.

He’s either asked for a nude or sent a d!ck pic

You’ve ignored the warning signs thus far so here you are talking on Whats App, sending Snaps, liking pics on Instagram. You’re sure he’s not like what everyone is saying but then one night you’re both awake late and he asks ‘what u up to?’ You tell him, ‘nun much. Just in bed.’ He follows up with that smiling purple devil emoji….Just stop. Put your phone on silent. Take some time. If you’ve EVER received that emoji from someone who’s not your man, you are involved with a Fcuk Boy. Sorry. If you’re unlucky enough, he’ll just send you a dick pic to get straight to the point (this is more common than you think people.) If you actually believe that you’re not with a Fcuk Boy, still believe he’s boyfriend material and you go ahead and send him that naked picture. You, my friend, are stupid.

He wants to come check you after 11 p.m.

There’s traditional ways of going after someone and then there’s just the straight up, I want to Fcuk so let me try my luck. These boys will probably talk to you, find out what you studied, what you like to do, what you like to eat for approximately 1-3 weeks. Then he will ask you to lime. “Just me and you. Ain’t see you out in a while. Missing U.” Unless you’re single and also on the same fcuk and leave scene, be aware. He is feeling you out to gauge how serious you are about giving up the nans. If you’re not entertaining the vice talk, the kiss advance or any kind of touching, you’re probably not going to get a follow up message saying sweet dreams.

If you need to be serviced from time to time, let him know. We promise you, men would love if you cut to the chase

So although we’ve given ladies some tips on how to spot a fcuk boy and how you’re to blame if you catch feelings THEN realise he’s one, there are some out there that are extremely patient. They see you’re playing hard to get and they have no issue whatsoever waiting for you to come around because every fcuk boy has backup (s).

If you’re looking for a man, be aware of the Fcuk boy. Stop being a naive ditz. Put in the effort you actually deserve for yourself. Stop letting Fcuk Boys mind fcuk you. In our opinion, Fcuk Boys get away with being Fcuk Boys because females do not communicate what they actually want OR pretend they’re satisfied with what is being offered.

If you’re NOT looking for a man, a Fcuk Boy is the perfect thing for you. Be secure in your sexuality and be straight forward with him. Then you won’t be susceptible to getting….Fcuked Up.

The arrest happened a day before the two year band on hunting (Wednesday Night) was lifted. Constables Naim Mohammed and Vishal Rampersad from the Rio Claro CID conducted a sting operation pretending to be customers interested in purchasing the snake. Both officers met the gardner near his home at Cunapo, Southern Main Road, Rio Claro where he had  a crocus bag with the remains of one macajuel and the skin of another macajuel in the same bag. These snakes are protected under the Wildlife Conservation Act.  The skins of the two snakes were approximately 3.7 meters in length. Police said the man admitted he got the snakes from someone and was using it for his personal consumption.   The man also said the snake “Tasted like shark”.

We would like to introduce you to the FL diva’s step-sister, Backline Brenda. Though we may not be as opulent, we still think we have lots to offer, including non-stop vybz. Now before you completely write-off being a Brenda, or steups when you realize your favorite FL costume has sold out, allow us to show you the pros of being a Backline Brenda.

Super Frontline or Super Broke?

No one ever complained about having a lil’ bit more change in their pocket. And in this case, the less you spend on your costume, the more yuh could spend on yuh glam! So go all out on those nails, make-up and extra accessories. Before you know it, you wouldn’t need a Frontline costume to look like a Frontline diva.

No extra back-age

If a Vodka and Redbull giving you all the wings that you’ll ever need come Monday and Tuesday, you would never have to worry about carrying around those big FL wings. Not only do they get heavy and annoying, but time you turn around twice you’ve probably already hit about 5 masqueraders in dey face too.

No pressure

Despite being told months in advance to start going to the gym, it is a month to carnival and you still find yourself sitting in your office, having 3 with slight for breakfast. But to be honest, if you’re a Brenda, does it really matter? With the increased level of skimpiness that we see with the FL these days, 9/10 times your body has to be ON in order to be a FL diva. However, us Brendas tend to have a bit more safety, and well, coverage, when it comes to our costumes. Now, we not saying yuh have to be sloppy, but we just saying you don’t have to have a Body by Imran either.

There’s definitely nothing wrong with being a Backline Brenda. The tale that Frontline divas have more fun has long been outlived and it’s about time that we all recognize this and embrace our true Backline majesty. So trade in those large headpieces and slip on your crown and go forth to rule the road like us Brendas were truly meant to.

Going through yuh phone

So yuh went to take yuh daily cleansing on the throne, and realize that you forget yuh phone on your bedside table. Since yuh know you not about to be on that ‘reading shampoo bottle and Bop spray can’ life, you gone back outside to get your phone. Onlyyyy to find your bird DOWN in your phone, and not only that, but she in the middle of emailing your WhatsApp chats to her account too! Padnaaaa, time to abort mission.

Hide yuh keys

Alyuh fall out in the party, but you telling yourself you not for any drama today. So of course you gone by yuh padnas and taking yuh wine and grind with a couple drinks in yuh hand! But now that party done, you feel yuh pocket for yuh keys and nowww remember who have it….you guessed it, Maddie. Gone by the car and realize that Maddie sit down in the car, hands crossed, waiting to light up your ears. Because guess what she’s holding hostage? YOUR KEYS. Good luck with that Chuck.

Her friends message you

If she is one of those where once y’all vex, everybody have to know y’all vex, you know she’s crazy. Sometimes it comes to the point where the marish and the parish is now all in your Whatsapp asking you “What yuh do she??” or accusing you of being some kind of @$$hole. Still find she too sweet?

Find yuh house

It has been proven by more than one fella that this has indeed happened before. Trust us, we too were shocked. Many a man have been sent the “I’m outside ” message, and before you get too excited, you remember….”wait, I ever give she my address??”. Beware fellas, it happens. Just for a precaution, next time you take that selfie, maybe give the location a rest.

She call yuh friends

Your bredrin calling you to warn you that yuh gyul looking for you. However, similar to above, you know you NEVER give your bredrin number to yuh bird. If this happens to you my friend, I would say it’s about time to kit up, and RUN.

Cried after a party

We see these at everyyyyyy party. Whether it be during, or after the party, they are always there. However, it’s always fun and games until you realize that nope, it isn’t just a random bird crying now, but it’s YOUR bird crying. The best part? You don’t even know why, or what you could have possibly done wrong. All we saying is, if you have a serial crier on your hands…this is just one of the many signs that she just may be a little…psycho.

QUEEN VEX

And finally, if you didn’t get the common denominator in the previous points, it always has something to do with having problems in the camp. If you and yuh gyul always vex, or correction, she always getting vex for sum, you know something is wrong in the head. But not to sound too biased on this point, there are always two options. Either, you, the fella, is rel sh*t. Or…well, you know. Just take a look at the title of this article.

The Stoooosh Smooch

This refers to the kiss on the cheek, except, yuh almost never actually give the kiss. So really, it’s just a cheek-to-cheek bounce. These are also known as the stoosh smooches because it usually requires little effort, and often, further conversation doesn’t need to be had after the smooch greeting. “Hi , *smooch*”, end of interaction. Plain, simple, and easy for the stushies to act like they actually acknowledge you.

The Loud Ups

Now these you can hear literally from a mile away. We mean, you will be on one side of the Harbour Master and soldier calling your name like he sallow a microphone. These hail outs, while at times can make you feel important, can make others feel quite embarrassed at the fact that now everyyyyone knows their name. Which victim are you?

The Beat Up

You were going for the hug…buuut they went of the kiss. Now you both look like two fish out of water, beating up on each other trying to figure out how to put an end to this initially simple hello. Here’s a tip, if you went for the hug and they went for the kiss, go ahead and keep your arms wrapped around them, eventually they will have to succumb to giving you a hug back.

The Ray Charles

You know those people who ‘didn’t’ see you, although yuh saw them stare at you dead in the pupils by the bar? Then all of a sudden, when you passing right in front of them, or in a space where they can no longer play the “I eh see yuh” card, is a big “Hello! How have you been? Oh my gaawwwsh I didn’t see you there nuh”….hm. #ByeFelicia

The Nod

Now these are more famous among the guys. They tend to love to give their little upward nod of the head, and occasional flick of the wrist in a way to say, “Wah going on?”. This is a more cooler way of telling someone hello, especially if they are some distance away. It is especially easy because, while it may sound a bit harsh in print, throw a little smile in with your head nod, and you’ve got yourself a quality greeting.

The Shoulda-Woulda-Couldas (aka The Delayed Hails)

Lastly, the famous delayed hails. They see you, you see them, you all see each other. Yuh know you wasn’t on all that scene ting to go and fight down any “hello” from anybody so you bat in yuh crease and relax. Only to go home and see is a “Hmm, so you doh know anybody” in your messages. These are called the shoulda-woulda-couldas, plainly because you could have said hello, but you didn’t. So don’t go around playing the blame game when you didn’t get the small talk you apparently so wanted.

Bmobile My Lime

What you used to be doing at 9pm back in the day? Well, if you’re like the rest of us, it sure as hell wasn’t sleeping like mummy and daddy thought! Adding 5 friends to your ‘Lime’ for free talk and text all night was probably the best ting since sliced bread. Back then, before Bmobile start with all its no service f_ckery, it facilitated many a ‘sweet talk’ with the lil boy/girlfriend you had…or even the juicy gossip sessions with yuh friends. And the next best thing about MyLime was, yuh friends were irreplaceable as f_ck! Sally jump out herself and get yuh vex? Send a text and in 24 hours Sally has been replaced by Janice quick quick.

MSN Messenger

Throwback to the times when 10 minutes before replying was a mandatory social rule, and you would sign in & out to get some attention from your crush. MSN was the place to be after school to keep up with all the social scenes or even for your occasional sh*t talk. But thank God this is a TBT, because yuh see ωяιтιηg уσυя ѕ¢яєєη ηαмє ℓιкє тнιѕ, straight down to the cantankerous Laughing Woman wink…I think we ALL needed an ease. *nudge*

Barrel mouth pants

Also known as Bell Bottoms, these type of pants coming with built-in air condition, fuss it have aeration! Lately, the only ones who can be seen sporting a Barrel Mouth jeans are either mommies or tanties. Otherwise, if you are seen wearing these unfashionable monstrosities, we cannot promise that you won’t end up in our next issue of Fashion F_ckups! Can anyone say, can’t touch this?

Ying clothes

Ever see a pants that made you wonder if it was a short, long-pants or a long, short-pants? Well welcome to the concept of ‘ying’. Ying pants were something schoolboys used to love to sport. Take their baggy khakis and have it tailored into balls-biting, ankle-grazing school pants. We guess before it was acceptable, but now, stop it with the ying clothes nah man. All you doing is looking like yuh machine home mash up and you had to borrow clothes from your baby cousin. And I’m sure you don’t want to be a victim of the “Yuh crossing river awa??” make out.

Disposable Kodak cameras

Before the selfie and the filters, there were disposable cameras. These were useful in the sense where it didn’t afford all those annoying girls the opportunity to say, “Omg ew I look disgusting, delete it and let’s take another one”. You snap, and however the picture take, it will develop JUST SO. These allowed for more candid pictures to be taken, but nowadays, with digital this and that, the definition of candid has changed from posed laughing pictures to posed ‘looking out into the distance’ photos….steups.

DVDs

Yessss man. Back when MovieZone was in its prime! Especially around SOE time. However, since the amazing discovery of online streaming, even cinemas are struggling to get the same business that they used to. No longer do we even think about DVDs, which we have to buy, when we can get the same sh_t quality with Chinese subtitles, and a man shadow walking across the screen, all for free. Now that DVD collection you once stacked proudly in your house, just serves as a massive dust collector.

Don’t be a Fahlcon

Fahling can occur in several different ways. Dipping in to a certain conversation that you clearly weren’t a part of, being out of timing in some manner, or simply inviting yourself to places out of the blue. In other words, doh be POOOSHY. If you just relax and be on a normal vibe, friends will come. There’s no need to be over-bearing like the neighbour plum tree jus to fight down no fren ting.

Go with the flow

Yeah, we’re talking to you Anal Annie. Everything doesn’t always to have a structure, or always have to be YOUR way. Be open to new things sometimes. The team is only as strong as its weakest link, and if you have sour vibes right thru, all you gonna be doing is souring the wholeee team vibes. So, please kindly take that stick out of your @$$, and just roll with the punches!

Poke me not

Just a tip, do not send pokes on Facebook….just don’t. This is a crime that no Facebook user should do. I’m sure Zuckerberg had the intention for pokes to be seen as cute, flirty or friendly. However, all it does is give a serious Bill Cosby vibe. If you met a potential friend over the weekend and trying to find a subtle way to start a conversation, jus send a harmless “aye, how are you?”. Because if you send a poke, your “Confirm request” could change into a “Not Now” real quick.

Grow some balls!

Small talk honestly isn’t that hard, and sometimes you have to put yourself out there. Us Trinis are generally friendly people when we want to be, and jus passing a friendly “Hey how are you?”, or a witty greeting can go a long way. People love an easy-going, funny person. So maybe when you next see an acquaintance, don’t be afraid to throw a lil ole talk their way! How else you expect to meet new people?

Have your own personality

Doh change yourself to fit the person/group you started associating with. No one likes a follow fashion. Just be original, be yuhself. If you find yourself not feeling comfortable around the new group/person, then it not worth establishing any kind of long-term friendship. Eventually yuh will mistakenly sneeze-fart in front of them, or need help zipping something near a place where nobody else should see. So bess yuh find  a group which fits your own personality, and you can only do that if you embrace and establish your own.

Bring an end to the clique

This mainly goes out to the ladies here. Yeah, we see you at every party and every event. Stand up in a circle with your matching cups filled with whatever ‘dranks’ y’all brought. However, this can be very intimidating, and at times, very annoying. If you are part of a clique, want to make new friends, but only go places with the entire pack, DOH COMPLAIN. The only way to branch out is to dip your toes in the pool lil bit and go out without the crew every once in a while.

Working

• Yuh thanking the traffic Gods for closing schools
• Everyday have ah after work lime
• The FOMO is real but you have work in the morning
• Starting to budget for Carnival #BandLaunchSeason
• Nowhere is sacred because uni kids are everywhere

Schooling

• Yuh weekend starts from Tuesday and Monday is the only rest day
• Yuh in 51 every Thursday either askin yuhself why yuh there or having the time of yuh life
• Yuh clock doh tell am times
• If it weren’t for your phone you wouldn’t know what day it is
• Trying to find a side hustle to subsidize yuh overactive social life
• Finally getting to wear all those outfits you’ve been saving
• Aggressively trying to lose the weight everyone else seems to notice but you
• Getting bored by the 2nd month of vacation
• Trying to have the best summer possible before grades come out to ruin the party

Feeling yuhself syndrome

These days it seems like we don’t only want to be accepted, but to be constantly reminded by those around us that we are the sh*t. Our generation has reduced itself to measuring our self-worth by the amount of likes and retweets that we get. It goes to the extent where some people even try to define themselves online, instead of their profiles complementing who they really are. It not that serious, jus be yuhself.

Most Coas’

So yuh ex now like a picture of your bestie on Maracas in her thong Rebel swimwear, and all of a sudden you changing yuh status to “These hoes aint loyal nah”. Some things that others do/say on social media do in fact tend to make others feel some type of way. So what better way to deal with this than jus taking a breather and stepping away from it every once in a while. Just had a bad break up? Doh go and stalk. Know yuh f*ck up over the weekend when you were drunk? Stay low. Cause else, if yuh can’t handle the heat…you get the idea.

Caring about the wrong things

So churches around the world are mysteriously being burnt down, poverty, plane crashes and widespread diseases…..but somehow all we can find ourselves talking about is Caitlyn Jenner and she mixed-breed cyat. Social media has made everyone, us included, victims of marginalizing…well, bullsh*t. There are often more serious issues than can be addressed and that need to be discussed on a global scale, but yet we still remain on the small minded chatter. Although the ole talk does be sweet, maybe it’s time we try to keep the other things in mind.

TMI

Fun fact: whatever you post online, whether you delete it or not, can always be recovered. Many do not seem to keep this in mind and do not think before they click send or post. We understand, yuh body sweet like molasses, but that does not mean we have to see every nook and cranny EVERY post. Leave a lil for imagination nah. Same speed, be careful what you share about yourself. You never know who’s watching, and I’m sure you wouldn’t want to find out the hard way.

Being Idle/Wasting time

Trust, we love a scroll through as much as everyone else, but we spend too much time doing just that. Ever pick up yuh phone and only realize later that you’ve been reading through Trini Twitter bacchanal for over an hour? We know the feeling. So put down yuh phone and keep it down, you would be surprised how much more productive you are. Keep it for more convenient times, like when yuh hadda hit the throne.

Cyatfish

Well, this is self-explanatory. Not everyone is who they say they are online, and it is very easy to get the chain up. If you think filters are your only worry, boo boo, we are in 2015. There are now apps which apply make-up and shrink waists, etc. Yuh understand? Stay aware, or rather, beware.

Stuck to yuh phone

Well this can be seen anywhere. A group of padnas, if you check 2 out of 4 of their status, it reads “Chillin with the bredrins”, yet they are all dowwwwwwwn in their phones. Social media has made us, ironically, less social. Just now we will see children learning to type before they learn how to speak, because at the rate we going, who needs to talk right? (Well, maybe to talk to Siri). Bout time we got serious and learn how to appreciate the moments with those around us. Rather than those in the cyber world who we, in reality, just don’t f_ck with.