“Hush yuh stink mouth!!!”

It shows what the TnT public has known for a long time, that apparently all decorum in parliament is gone, just like $4 doubles, just like the money in the treasury-gone. Shame on you Dr Roodal Moonilal, learn some composure and class, if that’s possible.
You and the AG are not in the street.

His mouth may or may not need a tic-tac, but your behavior definitely needs a tube of Colgate Extra, a bottle of Listerine and $20 worth of Diana Power mints.

And fuh that you deserve the longest hashtag ever…#shakingmydisappointedheadatthelevelofdisrespectshownbyourleaders

The Beginning Of The Bacchanal

It all began last week, when Philly-born rapper Meek Mill took to Twitter to accuse Drake of not writing his own songs. He even stated that if he had known that Drake used ghost writers, he would have taken their collab song “R.I.C.O”, off of his latest album.
And apparently, not even a lil boy from the suburbs of the 6 taking that. So to retaliate, Drake released a song called “Charged Up”. However, Meek then returned to Twitter to give his own review of the Drake diss track. Meek Mill called it, “baby lotion soft”, and jabbed that even if he did write this song, that it was still weak.

But don’t think that Drake is the only one being clowned in this drama. In fact, after being accused of being “too emotional”, several comical tweets were sent out under the trend #MeekBeLike, mocking Meek for being so sensitive on social media.

The birth of Back to Back

Yet, it seems that despite Mill’s continuous attempts to lash out at Drake and call him out on his weak game, Drake has released yet another song aimed at his rival named Back to Back. And Mill, who is currently performing with his girlfriend Nicki Minaj on her Pink Print tour, seems to have given Drake enough material. In fact, in the song, he goes as far as questioning Mill, “Is that a world tour or your girl’s tour?” This diss goes along with several other jabs, including Drake boldly stating that Mill was being “bodied by a singing n***a.” Yikesssss!

So…#TeamDrake or #TeamMeek?

However, while it seems that so far Drake is winning when it comes to “who could throw more fruit at the tree with the best/ripest fruit”, perhaps Meek does have a point. In the rap/hip hop genre, originality is something that should not really be praised, but expected. The fact that ghost writing is something that can be argued about, or even discussed, goes to show that there is clearly a decline in the quality of music since the days of Tupac.
Drake, who is claimed to be one of the best in the industry, cannot rightfully be given such a position when, in fact, he may not even be writing his own lyrics. Whilst the supposed ghost-writer has denied any allegations that he has written songs for Drake, he has been given credit on Drake latest mixtape for co-writing. One of the things that makes someone a great artiste overall, comes from being a great lyricist.

On the other hand, there can be the argument of whether it truly matters who has written the music, once it is performed well. Some may agree that while Meek can boast of writing his own music, it doesn’t go much further from there. Drake, despite all the fight down, is more or less a strong musical artiste. Whether it be that he’s not a rapper, or more an R&B artist, he has been known how to sell his music and make a brand for himself. So perhaps, being a strong artiste is more than just having original lyrics.

So tell us what you think, which side of the debate are you on? And as for Meek Mill….well the ball is now in your court. Our guess? It’s either he’s finally working on that comeback song, or a reaaaaal fire tweet.
Stay tuned.

We have gotten caught up in a pretend fight with very real consequences.
Why are we allowing ourselves to be dragged down? Take a moment to really think about your life as a Trinidadian and everything our kaleidoscope of races has afforded you. Look to India, the Middle East or the US if you want to see the consequences of a real racial divide.
We are building new problems when we already have enough to deal with. They want us to forget what they have stolen so they distract us with race. They don’t want us to ask about their real plans so, here you go: race card!

The ‘Date Rape’ Drug

Also known as ‘roofies’, these are actually a wide range of drugs which all produce the same effect on its victim. Some effects include uncontrollable sleepiness, nausea, slurred speech and loss of consciousness/resistance, making victims easy targets for kidnappings or sexual assaults.

From listening to the countless lectures given by our mothers such as “Doh let nobody bring yuh a drink” or “Be careful tonight eh”, us girls always feel we know everything and often spit a reply like “Oh gosh I know, I know”. However, according to the video below, it is shocking just how easy it is to be roofied.

Quick tips to prevent being ‘roofied’

Although we may see it on television and may even sometimes steups at the naivety of the girls(“Hmm, dah could never be me nah!”). Locally, we think that frankly, not enough precaution is taken with regard to spiked drinks. Living in such a country where the crime rate is particularly not the lowest, caution must be taken, in every aspect. We cannot afford to slip. So these are some quick tips to avoid being that girl on television.

• Do not accept drinks from others, sometimes, even yuh friends. (We know, the free drink does be nice)
• Do not share drinks with anyone, think of it as more for you.
• Don’t drink from common beverage, like a fruit bunch bowl.
• If yuh feel like that Rum n Coke hitting you harder than usual, seek out help immediately.
• If you left your drink unattended, leave it right there.
• Make sure you are drinking around people you trust, and that you keep your hand over your drink.

Ladies, we can be seen as very vulnerable and thus are often targeted as the easiest prey. So, after watching the attached video, we hope that it opens your eyes, and makes you more aware the next time you takin’ a lime at Brooklyn Bar or Coco Lounge.

To have a little bit more context, let us have a look at the past fallouts between DR and Haiti.

#TBT

In 1937, dictator of DR, Rafael Trujillo, carried out the Parsley Massacre, slaughtering a gross amount of Haitians, along with anyone who was dark enough to be considered Haitian (Buh wa de..). And it didn’t even stop there! If there was a chance yuh was a lil red ting who was a Haitian, if you couldn’t roll the “r” in perejil (Spanish word for parsley), you gone too. Since then, not only was there just an invisible border separating these two countries, but there was now blood, malice and pure resentment. Then in 2013, DR added insult to injury when a law was passed, ruling to expel anyone born to Haitian immigrants….despite having lived in the Dominican Republic their entire lives. So yeah, men who doh even know what bonjour mean were threatened to be thrown into a country they, as far as they knew, had no connection with. However, turns out that international outcries led to the government softening their stance on the law the following year.

Story stay the same…

Nowadays, it seems that nothing has changed, where DR is once again attempting to “clean out” their country of undocumented Haitian migrants. Although DR has said that those who have begun the documentation process will not be in danger of deportation, the process includes being able to present a work permit from one’s employer…..which can be rel pain in the @ss to attain apparently. However, I don’t think I need to tell you what is expected to happen to those who have not thought of beginning the documentation process. And if yuh askin’ yuhself, where everybody else? Why are there no international bodies trying to intervene? Well, padna, DR is not the only country trying to get rid of their undocumented workers…in fact, it is something of a trend. So men staying silent cuz nobody could trow stones when dey in a glass house, right?

But, what we want to know is, why go through all dis bacchanal? Ah mean, sure Trinis and Tobagonians have we lil differences too, but oh gorrr, yuh doh see we throwin’ dem out OR vice versa! The thing is, in the Caribbean, for an area that tends to be so culturally diverse and can always boast of this…it seems that we are finding ourselves being stuck in the past mindset of our colonizers. Das where we really reach? If it is that we ever moved from where we were? So that’s why we asking, started from the bottom…now we where???? Because from this view…it seems like we still right dere.

*Dramatic Recap Music*

….Previously on Orange Is The New Jack

• First of all, Jack Warner, a.k.a former FIFA Vice President, was arrested last month facing charges on money laundering and corruption– with regard to diverting US$750,000 in emergency funds intended for victims of 2010 Haiti earthquake to an account in his name. But, doh worry, for alyuh who wearin’ yuh green drawers, he was already released on bail.

*Background music builds*

• Due to being put in the centre of ‘de bribery scandal, despite being amongst 17 other individuals involved, Jack Warner addressed T&aT on a segment called ‘The Gloves Are Off’ on TV6 (yeah, people does still watch da) after having bought time on the channel, to claim that he had details of FIFA’s corruption which he threatened to release.
• Hearing about Jack Warner’s appearance on TV6, John Oliver, a British comedian, decided to buy airtime on the local TV channel himself  in response to Jack Warner with ‘The Mittens of Disapproval Are On’ to directly roast Jack Warner, and even challenges him to act on his promise to release files that prove the corruption of Blatter and FIFA.

*Dramatic change of tune*

• Jack Warner then proceeded to throw back talk at John Oliver, where besides citing an article from the satirical newspaper ‘The Onion’, he repeatedly referred to Oliver as the “comedian fool” and the “American”. He avidly defended his nation as he believes that Oliver disrespected the country, but still expressed his distaste on the fact that TV6 took the comedian’s money to make a mockery of T&T on local television. (Hmmm, pot calling’ de kettle black, Jack?)
• The final throw is left in the hands of Oliver, where he challenges Jack, yet again (dese men doh tire), to respond to him with a better video, preferably one where he finds something else to quote other than satirical newspaper, and one where he uses background music other than the first search when you type in “epic, dramatic music” on Google…ah mean, come nah man Jack. Oliver ends his taunting video with fire and says, “Your move, Jack”….(but really Jack, if yuh cah handle the heat, PLEASE stay out ‘de _uckin’ kitchen!)

Cut into Intro…

So, now that we are all caught up, we at SCORCH want to know, what alyuh really thinkin’ about all dis?? There have been debates about whether John Oliver’s first address was more offensive towards T&T rather than being a jab solely at Mr. Warner himself. There’s also been questions about whether this rivalry has gone on waaaaay too long, or (believe it or not) if Uncle Jack really deserve all dis ole talk that he getting’. Regardless, let us know what YOU think…till then, stay tuned to this season of OITNJ.

Changing lanes

Well by now we should know Mr. No Indicator Nelson. He has been trolling our highways and main roads for as long as we can remember, and can be often seen moving through lanes as if he threading a needle. His driving is usually met with hollers for indicators and the ever so popular, “Buh wah de _uck…” However, even after all that pace and Mad Max driving, he usually still ends up at the same traffic light as you.

Crossing the road

Jaywalkers are rampant in T&T. From waiting till the cars finally get the green to just strolling in the street like they have a license plate, Trinis generally have terrible crossing etiquette. Let’s not even start about the manner in which they cross, because if you ever drive by the Promenade, particularly closer to KFC Independence Square, yuh would see for yourself that the “ah go walk like ah in meh livin’ room” crossers are rampant.

How a roundabout works

I really doh know if it’s just that circles confuse us or yuh does get dizzy just turning the wheel, but people just can’t seem to stay in dey lane! For a country who has the world’s largest roundabout, we also seem to have the world’s largest population of EDIATS! Maybe this point will come up again in what Trinis need to leave behind in 2015..

Fast vs Slow Lane

Yuh now eat 2 doubles with heavy pepper and chase it with a hot Supligen because das all the doubles man had. Now yuh gunnin’ it home in the right lane for sure because the porcelain throne calling! But nah, padna man in front driving at a steady 30km/h. Nah mannnn!!! BAT IN YUH CREASE. People, as much as there is a reason for having a fast lane, it is the same for having a slow lane. If yuh know yuh driving Ms. Daisy, chook left nah.

TXTing & DRVing

I know yuh must be feelin’ that da Whatsapp message from Saucy Shauna too important to ignore, especially because yuh know she does coas’ if yuh doh reply after 2 minutes. But yuh cannot text and drive. Yuh never watch dem ads on TV? Trinidad already have too much road fatalities, try and not be another statistic nah.

Stopping in the road to pick up somebody

This is a crime more famously committed by our public transit drivers. From the time they see a passenger at the side of the road, they make it their duty to stop at anytime, anywhere. Causin’ traffic? Yuh feel den care? But aye, at least we can’t be too vex, this is probably the best form of customer service we may have in Trinidad.

Parking f_ckery!

Yuh swing in Long Circular Mall because you hadda pick up a gift for Father’s Day quick, quick. Of course by now the ground floor pack, so you going up through the levels to hopefully find a park. “Eh heh? Das a park I seein’ there?” Only to reach and realize that this damn, big, obzoki Range Rover park like he savin’ a spot for he bredrin, blockin’ up two damn spots. Come nah man, if yuh buy yuh license, try and at least keep it a secret nah.

Traffic Lights

In Trini, it has come to my attention that traffic lights are something of an enigma to us. Where Red means ‘go when no police around’, Yellow means ‘speed up before ah get catch by a red’, and Green means ‘Fast & Furious’. But not like we could totally blame people, we know alyuh only study for dem regs 30mins before the test.

So your friends at SCORCH took to the streets (or just across from the office) to test which Cheesy snack is the real deal. So here’s what our lovely blind-tasters Kwesi, Larry, Barry, Sam, JoJo, Yankee and Paul had to say about these similar snacks.

Chee Zees

Yankee thought that Chee Zees tasted saltier, but at the same time had more flavour, and ended it off with a description of tasting more “organic”. Right. On the other hand, the remainder of our tasters thought that Chee Zees was weaker in contrast to
Cheeze Stiks, with Chee Zees even being given a rating of 5/10.

Cheeze Stiks

Having a rating of 8/10, Cheeze Stiks won the battle of the Cheeze, dominating with a crunchier texture, less salty, and bursting with more flavour overall!…..Except for Yankee that is, but wha’ he really know? He from foreign.

Dhal Belly Dinesh

A daily diet of 4 with everything slight for breakfast, pepper roti for lunch and a box ah dead for dinner has left Dinesh with more belly than a pregnant mampee in her third trimester. He hasn’t seen his toes since the coup, but despite his every-growing gut, he is the first to take off his shirt during each weekly visit to Caura River. His biggest flaw? Perhaps not the belly itself but his complete ignorance over its size, as he’s often overheard incredulously exclaiming “What yuh mean it eh have no XXXL?!?! What kinda clothes store allyuh really running here?” much to the clueless dismay of a helpless attendant.

Safety Pin Cindy

The opposite of her chubby buddy Dinesh, Cindy has the frame of a worn-out wiper blade. With her pre-pubescent figure that never got more than one guava season, the wire bra for her Carnival costume could pretty much have been made with a paper clip. Struggling to find clothes that she doesn’t drown in, Cindy secretly shops in Micles Kids and when caught, responds sheepishly with a “just looking for a birthday gift for my niece” and quickly disappears. The unfortunate reality for Cindy is that despite her best efforts, she can’t seem to gain any weight, but gets zero sympathy from her friends who always trying to lose a five pounds.But hey, there’s always Herbalife!!!

Maga Marvin

The twin-brother of Cindy, Marvin looks like Wayne Kublalsingh on a Carnival diet. As scrawny as they come, Marvin’s chicken chest is so flat it looks concave and a medium shirt fits him like a queen size bedsheet. Like Cindy, Marvin tries relentlessly to pack on the pounds but the extra calories only show up on his food bill. Ironically, Marvin overcompensates for his bony body by tackling the biggest girls in parties, rightfully earning him the nickname Mampee Marvs from his boys.

Thick Legs Theresa

The definition of slim-thick, Theresa has the upper body of Patrice Roberts with the lower body of Destra. Also known as Thunder Thighs Thelma, Theresa’s larger than life legs are the product of either unusual genetics or an early career in track and field that leaves men looking to track and feel. Theresa is usually in the spotlight come Carnival season, with ample cooler parties for her to rock her favourite high-waisted shorts or batty riders, which draw all the attention away from her tiny waist, bust and arms. When you see her on top the cooler, she looks like a wining T-Rex in all its glory.

Chicken Legs Charlie

On the other end of the leg scale is yuh boy Charlie. He’s not as scrawny on top as Maga Marvin, but his legs make Marvin’s own look like Theresa’s. However, Charlie doesn’t let his underdeveloped lower body keep him back and could be seen running around in many a football sweat looking like a yard fowl in heat. To make matters worse, Charlie’s stick legs are usually hairy and have ah set a bobo all over them, but he doh business and will wear a three-quarters everywhere if he could.

Top Heavy Tim

Tim is the antithesis of Theresa; well-built upper body but with a flimsy lower half. Tim was one of those guys who started working out since secondary school days. While his contemporaries would stay back after school to watch an Intercol game or go down Platform 2 to track some Francois girls, Tim would be in the gym religiously working on that narrow pubescent frame of his. However, like most boys at the time, all he wanted was a big chest and arms, so now after years of (upper)body-building, he’s more top heavy than an improper fraction. With his legs so far behind now, he’s pretty much given up on them and resigned to a uniform-esque wardrobe of jeans and vests to hide that fledgling lower body. Tim hates going to the beach and ducks pool limes like a Jehovah’s Witness on a Sunday morning.

Big Bamsee Barbara

It have butt, it have bottom, it have ass, and then it have bamsee. Barbara is without a shadow of a doubt, in the last category. Barbs is every male driver’s favourite pedestrian, because you will ALWAYS let her cross the road so you could watch that bumper make its way from one side to the next. She’s the reason Kerwin sang too real and despite having no relatives in Port-of-Spain, gets called ‘family’ every time she takes a walk in town. While she’s learnt to embrace and even proudly flaunt her other-worldly posterior, her only regret is she could never find pants that fit.

Big Breast Beverly

The Cleopatra of cleavage, Beverly has more breast than a KFC mega meal. She’s the Barbara of the boob world and her ‘two friends’ are the reason the low-cut top was invented. A distraction (or inspiration) in the workplace and a sight for sore eyes at the beach, it’s easier to maintain eye contact while explaining to your girlfriend why yuh ex texting yuh at 3 in the morning than while having a conversation with Beverly. Her wardrobe consists almost entirely of tops with plunging necklines and she’s no stranger to the question “Are those real?”. Well you know what Bev, they’re not real. They’re too real.

Shortman Sheldon

Too tall to be actually classed a midget but short enough to almost be mistaken for one, Sheldon perhaps has it the hardest because height is the one thing you can’t change. Girls in heels are his worst nightmare, along with friends and family who love to give him sarcastic nicknames like ‘Tallest’ and ‘Long John’. This naturally leaves him with a complex and not much to look up to (except the people around him) so he overcompensates by driving a truck or some similarly large vehicle. However, this does little to soothe his ego when he has to ask someone to get the last bag of Crix on the top shelf for him, proving that he really got the short end of the genetic stick. #punintended

Big Boned Brenda

Brenda is big. Not overweight, not fat, not obese. Just big. That’s just her frame and she can’t help it. She works out regularly and has a healthy diet, but those broad shoulders, wide hips and big joints just can’t get any smaller. Also known as Heavyset Harriet, Brenda would leave men scampering for safety when when Bunji’s ‘Climb Up’ came on in a fete. Growing up, Brenda’s unusually large physique attracted comments from family friends like “Oh gorm, Brenda mudda need to ease up on the provision” and even now in adulthood, embarrassing remarks persist. When her petite friends post pics with her, they get awkward comments like “Love how your Aunt posed for the pic with yall too #socute” leaving poor Brenda thoroughly mortified.

Six Pack Sean

Blessed with the metabolism of an athlete, but without the training and dietary discipline of one, Sean enjoys a lean and well balanced body, much to the annoyance and jealousy of well, everyone else. He’s the guy who can eat 2 gyros after 51 every weekend without fail and not put on an ounce of fat, while the rest of us might gain weight just by staring at the bottle of garlic sauce for too long. His girlfriend, Flat Stomach Fiona, is equally frustrating. She joins the gym 2 weeks before Carnival to ‘tone up’ and ends up looking better than all the other women who were there since November but still stuck in Celluliteville. On behalf of us regular folk who have to work our ass off for those sacred abs, Sean and Fiona we all hate you, but secretly wanna be you.