This past weekend we’ve witnessed busloads of people from all parts of the nation in attendance at some of the most anticipated fetes of the season. With Carnival Monday and Tuesday around the corner in all its beaded and glittery glory, this is our designated time as Trinis to engage in what we like to call ‘fetin’, and large amounts of it. Whilst we at SCORCH seem to keep with that spirit all year long, it’s safe to say we may know a thing or two about fetin and the do’s and don’ts of it. Now, we never wish to restrict anyone, let’s face it, some of ya’ll need an occasional ‘pullin up’ if yuh disrupting d’ general flow of things. Though you may make appearances in many fetes this season, the greatest fete of all is the one where you and your entire team attend and for days, even weeks, after you still reminiscing about it. The bar could buss, entertainers could be late and rain could fall, but when the conditions between you and your crew smooth, all is well with the world. There will, also, always have some of the usual suspects that tend to sour a vibes at times with their array of party no-nos.

Without further ado here are some of our rules for fetin this season:

1. To the fellas that must take off their shirt early early in the fete with no Junior Sammy truck in sight… we get it. We know you were putting in work in the gym all of last year and yuh want to show off yuh hard earned results, but at least wait till you somewhat sweating nuh. No need for us to feel like we entering an orgy before we find a spot to rest down de cooler.
2. Choose your wining contenders wisely. A girl that is all decked out in her hot gyal army uniform, with a drink in one hand and and the other arm folded (we’ll get to her kind later) will 99 percent of the time decline your offer to dance by shufflin quickly away from your oncoming wine. The girl, arms to the floor, with a plastic cup hanging out her mouth and legs in a 9:15 position will most surely indulge you in a wine or three. Be sure to memorize her outfit and her cardinal point location, she will become your go-to girl for the night when there is a shortage of willing waistlines in the crowd.
3. Ladies…no matter your rationalization, deodorant negligence is NOT an option. I repeat…NOT AN OPTION. Whatever amount you usually use, double up on it for your night out. With all de hands in d’ air motions, go down on d’ ground stickyness and walking for what seem like miles looking for friends, de Secret yuh wearin (or not wearing for that matter) could easily become a breaking news report. Don’t be wondering why that good looking fellow who was scoping you all night only take a piece ah wine then skate for de hills. Help us help you.
4. Cooler Etiquette: Ladies if d’ cooler is not yours or someone you accompanied to the fete, doh climb on it to wine nuh. ‘Cus after yuh jump up on a man nice nice cooler with yuh less than light self and bend up he good cover (if not break it down into all the drinks, dutty foot all in de ice!), he eh sure to be too forgiving. So, if you eh have one of yuh own to mash up, keep yuh a** on the ground, fuh meh please.
5. Cooler Etiquette Strikes Back: Ladies, provided yuh have a cooler of yuh own to trample, yuh still can’t stand up and wine on it whole night if yuh with a crew of people who came to do the obvious. When you peep your friends’ cups getting empty and they giving you the evil eye, descend from yuh wining tower with a haste. A cooler is not a stage! People come out here to drink and lime and have a good time, and a closed cooler defeats that purpose.
6. Return of the Cooler Etiquette: a cooler fete means just that, C-O-O-L-E-R fete. Not Plastic bag fete. No fete goer intends to be walking around trying to avoid your paper and plastic bags filled with crushed bottles cups and ice (looking like debris after a Frederick Street flood on the floor). Then ya getting antsy when feet trampling on yuh Hi Lo *ehem” Massy bags. Get it together. Buy a cooler, or make use of the bar.
7. The Yappers: we’ve all fallen victim to this fete _uck up at some point or the other. These folks pick when yuh mid wine during a Kes performance to want to engage in life stories, speeches and preaches. They would always pull you closer to shout stale nothings in yuh ears. Keep this to a minimum please. A few exchanges of sentences like “This tune sweet boy!” or “Dah gyul wining like a bosss!” is more along the lines of acceptable fete conversation. At the very most, a brief “How ya going?” for those long lost friends is alright. Otherwise, five words per sentence, copious amounts of “Hey Hey Hey Hey Heyyyyyys” and loud singing of incorrect lyrics are all that’s necessary. Save d’ ole talk bout yuh love life drama and why Bunji should end d’ fight down with Machel for Frankies. When yuh in the fete, wine an hush!
8. Please scan the area you are liming in before you choose your prey. If you observe a woman and a man stick up together whole night like velcro, chances are that that is indeed ‘bae’. At least wait till de man take a lil bathroom break or make a bar run before you carefully tief a lil wine. Not everyone will be okay with their significant other gyrating on a random man. Same goes for you ladies, save d’ rude gyal wine for a single man or someone who appears ‘single’ in de fete. A guy bringing his girl to a fete and staying by her side all night is in fact a rare gem and his woman is aware of this. So, she WILL go cray cray for him. Better to simply bypass those kinds of situations.
9. The Excessive Drinker: yes we’ve probably stepped over them sprawled out on the ground on our way out of a venue (or on yuh way inside in extreme cases), or we’ve seen them in the ladies room, with her girlfriend holding back her hair as she revisits what she had for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Everyone should know their limit and how much liquor they can hold before the vomit dam bursts. Three ways to avoid being the joke of the night with your pic on some stranger’s Facebook next day are:
   1. Avoid consuming two drinks that have an oil and water effect.
   2. Refuse shots now and again (unless you’re in a SCORCH event)
   3. Make Blue Waters yuh friend in between drinks.

   
   You most likely didn’t come to fete by yourself and will always be inconveniencing someone by having to babysit and nurse you back to sobriety. Remember they too have a desire to have a good time and enjoy their monies worth. Be considerate of the people you came with.

10. The spontaneous and occasional splashing of drinks when tune like ‘Come From’ or ‘Phenomenal’ start to lash out through the speakers can be overlooked when it’s your bredrin or bff. However, please be mindful and hold back on the drink spilling and pouring on undeserving partygoers. Let’s just say you might be pouring drink on a man that just had an argument with his girl/lost his phone/ wallet , thus not feeling as ‘phenomenal’ as you are. We shall leave what happens next up to your imagination… Which brings us to our next point.
11. If you’re short tempered, easily annoyed or currently on steroids, go ahead and post yourself in the back where nothing ever happens or better yet stay home and oppose your pillow. Fetes aint for you dawg.
12. People who came to stand up and do the social wine like stush girl mentioned earlier, post yourself in the back too.
13. Everyone’s got that one friend with a bladder d’ size of a kidney bean. However, strutting to the bathroom and dragging along a friend every 20 minutes aint cool. If you are aware of your geriatric tendencies pace your drink intake in large fetes OR always lime near to the bathrooms so you don’t have to take your friend to on the other side of the crowd for “company”. And if for some reason you end up to the front of the crowd when Monk Monte comes on and you hear them horns, find a corner and let it all out …Like ah Boss!