It has become common knowledge to revelers nationwide that being in a relationship for Carnival tends to be the proverbial thunderstorm on the masquerade parade. Whether you’ve witnessed this inevitable struggle at the hands of one of yuh padnas, been told some notorious nancy-story or had your own unpleasant experience, the road simply proves to be the ultimate relationship test, time and time again. With its endless supply of disagreements, bickering and bacchanal, the presence of a significant other almost always guarantees a Carnival you did not look forward to. Thus, SCORCH proudly presents some tips and tricks for making it to the other side of the stage with your snuggle buddy still safely secured on your arm.
The Acquiescent Method
Also referred to by some as “leaving ya testicles home”, this method involves tucking those bad boys away, packing your favorite leash and don’t you dare forget your “Property of” tag, because for the next two days, you’re basically their b!tch. This silent but reluctant acceptance of the singular bumcee traffic, multiple hug ups and answering to every beck and call may seem like a relinquishing of ones costume cost. However, this is without a doubt, the safest way to ensure you have someone to wake up next to Ash Wednesday morning. It’ll definitely be a challenge finding something to give up for Lent though, having just sacrificed the two best things about the year.
The Rational Method
Sometimes the best way to avoid conflict is to let good sense prevail and attempt to apply that ever elusive thing called ‘LOGIC’ to the situation. Calmly and collectively let her know what you are for on the road and discuss the resulting possibilities. Obviously you not trying to tote home no load, you just plan to show appreciation for all the hard work that these ladies have put into making those bumpas roll. For those of you having trouble with this method, here are some ways to make your intentions known:
- Have a convo prior to hitting the road
- Come up with a time management plan
- Devise a wining policy
The Compassionate Method
You obviously don’t want to be clinging to their bumpa like a pair of fresh stockings for an entire two days (not even the best brand of stockings could do dat!), so when you do choose to return to home base, it’s wise to offer the best service possible. Put down a nice, long, slow wine, hold that waist tight and make her remember it. Chip a stretch or two with her proudly bubbling in front of you. Then step up yuh game with a lil, “Yuh want a drink babes? Gimme yuh cup.” *smile*. Using this method, even if no official conversation was had about the borders of your own individual escapades, she will have a hard time having an issue with a man as caring and considerate as yourself.
The Avoidance Method
For some relationships, plain old avoidance seems to be the best method of action. From ,”I’ll meet yuh at the lunch stop” to “I’ll meet yuh at home”, some folks just prefer to jump up with dey friend and dem for the whole 2 days. However, this system is for a chosen few, as not many have the trust it takes to be ignorant to where or with whom their loved one is off galavanting with for the greater part of 48 hours. For those of you interested in testing your mettle, here are some separation guidelines:
Choose yuh section wisely
For those of you not ready to create too much distance just yet (in case ya wanna throw a lil eye every now and again), playing on opposite sides of the band is for you. If yuh know she playing in the pretty section with all her friends all the way down by truck 8, it will serve you well to consequently find yuhself up by truck 2 in a big, bad section with plenty vibes (like SCORCH RAW per se).
Play in different Bands
When not even different sections will suffice, it’s wise to find yourself in different BANDS all together. Make sure and kiss her goodbye when yuh part ways in the morning, because its going to be a longgg day of madness before y’all meet again. This option is reserved for the true veterans in the independent pumping game, and should not be attempted by the inexperienced or the irrational.
The Ducking Method
Advocates of this method are usually so versed in the art of ducking that they would make Fadda Fox proud. Members of the fellowship of Uncle Dookie, these skilled _uckers tend to adopt the belief that not seeing their partner till time to wrap up in bed whole day Ash Wednesday is the best way to keep things civil through the mas. Often having previously experienced the one side of the fence, these scarred lovers are now hopping over to the other side and dashing for the hills come Carnival Monday, only to return to their yard, dirty, exhausted and bowl in mouth after Las’ Lap. Here are some of the maneuvers employed by some of the best _uckers in the business:
Deposit her by her Friends
Make sure she has a good crew of friends that can unknowingly babysit her for an hour or two while you go release yuh inner wajang.
Look left…Go right
This Trini version of the Kansas City Shuffle involves finding some way to get your significant other so engrossed in their own good time that while they are busy participating, you are ‘participating’ elsewhere before they can even acknowledge your disappearance.
Avoid camera lens
Try not to get caught up in the flashing lights. If you know you not where yuh supposed to be, from the time cameras go up…melt. Immediately. ‘Cus even if after applying any of the methods listed above and making it through the Carnival unscathed, yuh don’t want to receive a break up message on WhatsApp one week later, coupled with a picture of you dong in a bird ears in the background.
Break up to Make up
Finally, the absolute last resort for all couples this Carnival unable to come to a solid road agreement is to simply call it a day, or a 2 days in this case. Come Carnival Sunday, find a silly reason (that can easily be repaired, mind you!), announce that you need some space, pack a bag and stay by a friend till Ash Wednesday. Be sure, however, that you are in possession of the necessary game required to reel that fish right back in once your palancing is done, lest you find yourself fasting from your once coveted relationship INDEFINITELY.
