Now obviously this will not hold true for all women but those who can identify are going to read this and chuckle to themselves.

I don’t care how much money you make
Oh she cares. She very well cares. Women need stability and financial security. We need to know that you can provide for us. As with everything there are exceptions to this rule. But for the most part we do, maybe at varying degrees, but we all do!
 
Weight
I weigh X or Y amount. This is such a personal issue. Women are sometimes embarrassed by their true size, may it be lesser or larger. According to surveys, women have lower self-esteem than men, I blame society. Lying about our weight gives us an instant confidence boost.
 
I got it on sale
No she didn’t, moving on.
 
I had X amount of sexual partners
She may climb the scale to not seem inexperienced. She may jet down the scale to not seem like a ‘hoe’.
 
Size does not matter
Unless you’re packing a mandingo, John Holmes type penis, size does matter. What make ‘niccas’ think they can hit her spot with a 1 inch pinky finger type d*ck. Let’s be real. We’re considerate to your feelings so we won’t tell you, but c’mon guys that’s a no-brainer. See here

I’m forever faithful.
I’ve never cheated and I would never cheat. She has and she will. She doesn’t want you thinking any lesser of her so she will try to keep past indiscretions to herself. This is a another topic on it’s own though, so we will stop here for now.
 
I don’t suck D*CK…Sorry!
I don’t perform oral on the male sexual, reproductive, intromittent organ that additionally serves as the urinal duct. O_o
 
I’m fine.
Disaster Alert! For the love of ‘Gawwd’ she’s not fine.
 
I want to meet your mom.
This woman brought you into this world. She thinks she’s queen. She’s going to be the reason for most arguments. We’ll never be good enough, smart enough, we’re too fat, too small, too tall, too short, smell too good. If we could hold out from meeting your mom until wedding day, we most definitely will. Even then we’ll find a way to scratch her name off the guest list.
 
I have never lied to you.
This is still the most believable lie.

 
Sorry Ladies! Agree or Disagree? Share your views

1. She uses you to scare off guys she isn’t interested in or to make the ones she is jealous.

2. You’re the first guy she introduces her boyfriend to.

3. You’re also the first guy she calls when she and said boyfriend fight/break up.

4. She’s referred to you at least once as the “brother she never had”.

5. Her parents ask you to spend the night when they’re away to make sure she’s safe.

6. She made a picture of the two of you her profile pic on Facebook… with the caption “BFF <3.”

7. When her mother always asks “How come you never tried for _______” she just scoffs uninterestedly.

8. She asks you for your opinion on other guys she’s dating or interested in.

9. You always drop her home after parties… but never get invited inside.

10. That one time y’all got drunk together and almost hooked up, she turned you down by saying she “Didn’t wanna ruin your great friendship.”

WOMEN:

1. Wait, it have a friend zone for women? Once yuh eh too hard on the eye he bound to make ah pass at yuh… Just wait ‘til both ah allyuh drunk and yuh go see.

On my Facebook status updates feed I increasingly see venting. No not the regular man/woman drama; inescapable “haters”; badmind, film-flammery; office politics, politics; monkey glands raised by rainy weather; soundboy beef; new local porn or who get make out, it is something way more insidious.

It is of a dark and sinister nature… people getting loud up because of Candy Crush.

And I quote, “Not me and allyuh b!tches! 12 days I stuck on this stage and can’t get no extra moves and I always sending life #forkitImtotin”

Is this what we’ve come to people? Toting feelings off of Candy Crush? Really?! From the eerie music, the yodeling, to the Technicolor confections, Candy Crush has seeped into our lives and clogged up our arteries with cloying sweetness!

Debilitating addiction is your only option when you have opened Pandora’s Box and beaten your first level.

At first it’s innocent enough. You need a distraction from your office distractions.

You have mastered sling and bird and brought your friends’ list to their knees as you rack up weekly wins, so now you need a new challenge.

You are tired of “selling coke in Amsterdam and settling mob feuds”. You have grown weary of the fashion police, their photo galleries have become repetitive, tacky and mean.

You click on an invite: Candy Crush Saga…

“What is this saga about candy?” you ask yourself. “Who is this weird, gangly man with a monocle and a moustache? Is he and the Monopoly man family? Are they and Mr Peanut from Planters in a cult? They in ting? Why is he pumping with this little girl? Is that legal? She has freckles and pigtails for God’s sake! What are these strange hard candies? And why must they be collected in threes?” You move past your initial horror and curiosity and play your first game.

It is enjoyable, and that first high of clearing that level fills your body with endorphins. You rapidly pass friends with each level and you smile and think to yourself, “Lazy bastards…I now start to play and I beatin yuh back!”

Then you are faced with your first dilemma, and start to realize you may have something deeply vested in this cherubic little girl and her creepy, lanky partner: “I need tickets…I need to board this train….why won’t anyone help me? I’m just a little girl….”

You pace as you wait for anyone, someone to heed your request. Nothing….you start smoking that cancer stick and randomly selecting people. “That oughta do it…yea, yea, see…yea…”

Eight minutes go by and you feel like you’re in primary school again and those last excruciating minutes before recess trickled slower than molasses down a fat girl’s third chin. Refresh page! Refresh!

You eye your phone, “Jeremy plays Candy Crush…yea, see, yea…he always has a top score so I send him lives…yea, see, yea….maybe I should whatsapp him and remind him I sent that request…yea, see…yea…”

You laugh at yourself, “That’s crazy! It’s just a game, yea…just a game see…yea…see…just a game see…yea…crazy!”

You start rocking back and forth sobbing softly as you listen to Coldplay…then as you type the message….you realize… “Tallman and Smallie aren’t on the stick….I’m on the stick….”

If Candy Crush Saga is just a game….then Saw is just a game… *In Ras Shorty I voice* Watch out my children, watch out my children!

‘Cause lets be real, by that age, everything women thought was so important, everything on their proverbial ‘checklist’, really doesn’t matter that much anymore. Go figure.

Nobody really knows what women want. Nobody. Not even women themselves. How many times have you heard a girl talk about only dating guys who are smart, ambitious and loving, only to get pregnant for an unemployed a**hole who still living by he mudda. However, despite their seemingly labyrinthine nature and desires, women, like all creatures, do display some common behavioural traits and characteristics across age groups. So whether yuh with a smallie who now start UWI or your new pips had she license before the coup, check out the list below to see what exactly yuh hadda have or do to get through.

18-25:

Pour it up Bitches

25-30:

“Big people thing!”

30-35:

That face says: “I really know how to pic them!”

35-40:

Marriage? Bu I only met you last week hun!

40-50:

By this age, children are basically out of the picture, so more than likely her career would have replaced the gap left by a family. She isn’t looking for a man who can provide for her because she can pretty much take care of herself. She’s looking for companionship; a life partner who she can share her successes and achievements with. If this is the kinda woman you have your eyes on, make sure you’re at least as accomplished as she is or she can (and will) cut style on you. Don’t let what you saw in Think Like A Man fool you, it eh have no female CEO who go shack up with a struggling chef selling from a glorified burger cart. You need to show this woman what you can bring to the table and why as successful as she is, she can still be better off with you.

50 & over

She’s just looking for a boy-toy, nothing more nothing less. So if yuh doh look and fit de part,then doh come round she with yuh big belly, no-stamina self and waste she time. If she wanted that then she would have stayed with her ex-husband from her second marriage. Unless of course she really is looking for something serious, in which case all yuh need is a good pension and sense of humour to keep her laughing well into her later years. ‘Cause lets be real, by that age, everything women thought was so important, everything on their proverbial ‘checklist’, really doesn’t matter that much anymore. Go figure.

Here are 10 things to keep in mind when considering dating a man who carries the title of “Da” “Dad” “Daddy” or “Pappa” etc.

10. He may be looking for an escape from reality. Things may’ve become so dysfunctional on the home front, he is not necessarily seeking a real commitment with any woman outside of his child mother but simply a break from his present situation and the stress it carries.  Beware of this one ladies, if d ting sweet, he may then profess he is in love with you both! Make certain you receive clarity on the status of their relationship and his intentions for you.

9. He is one step further away from the goal. If you are seeking marriage, settling down, family life, long term commitment, etc. as your ultimate goal, consider this man carefully. As difficult as it is to meet men ready to commit, the baby daddy may be all the more difficult to lock down. He has already been given the milk without having to buy the cow, and in terms of lifetime commitment he may not be as eager as the conventional single man to walk down the aisle and start a family. Look at it like this, he already has a family.

8. Drama Mamma. She, (de child muddah) might be real trouble, a manipulator, or just plain ole crazy! There may be staged late night phone calls announcing the baby sick, multiple trips to the courthouse for child support payments, and all type of drama. If you are not ready to be a ride or die chick and take on his burdens as your own you may need to go back to square one.

7. Prepare to downsize.  Children are an expense. Period. Unless he is Diddy and can afford child support payments in excess of $40,000 USD per MONTH to an individual carrier of his offspring, then keep in mind his salary is restricted and accounted for prior to ever reaching his account. Also, some countries permit the salary of the spouse or common law wife to be a factor when determining the amount of maintenance the child should receive.  Ask yourself if you can handle the financial responsibility and be prepared to fete on a budget.

6. Multiples. Take what you’ve learned from points 10-7 and multiply it by the number of children and their mothers. Sounds promising? I didn’t think so. If he has multiple baby mudders, RUN! One is enough to deal with but more than one potential headache still holding a flame for your beau , and causing trouble is too much melee.

5. A candidate for the Maury Show. Ladies, we’ve all heard it before, “I wasn’t in no relationship with she!” or “I only bull she one or two times and she tell me she pregnant!” and last but not least the infamous, “I am not that child faddah!” Do I really need to elaborate on this? This reeks of irresponsibility whichever way you examine it. If you stumble upon this particular individual, keep it moving.

4. That B*%@h! Take heed, although she (the baby momma) may very well be ‘hell on wheels’ pay close attention to his choice of words when referring to her. The fact of the matter is she is the mother of his child(ren) and deserves a certain level of respect. If he commonly refers to her as a female dog or any barn yard animal you may need to rethink your position. Regardless of her bad behavior or the situation he should not disrespect the mother of his children, and you should definitely consider if the roles were reversed. As a woman, put yourself in her shoes, what demeaning names would he label you?

3. Congratulations you’re a …Stepmother! Before you take the Nestea plunge, recognize he already has a child(ren) and you will likely be a Stepmother before long. If you are enjoying your childless status ask yourself this question, “Are you ready to co-parent or become a step parent?” If not, you will likely resent his children and “Daddy” status somewhere down the road.

2. ‘SHE’ will always be in the picture. Birthdays, holidays, christenings, graduations, etc. His baby momma will always be in the picture, a major part of his life and inevitably a part of yours so, if you are the jealous type or insecure about the relationship to begin with this may not be the situation for you. It will be an uphill struggle.

1. D occasional horn. Now understanding he will be in constant communication with his child(ren) and subsequently their mother the likelihood of the two taking a romp in the sheets is REAL whether or not she has moved on herself. Depending on how things ended between him and the mother of his child there may or may not be some residual feelings remaining, and given the right opportunity tensions can rise. If you know him well and he fits the description, more than likely he will take a dip in d ole ting every now and again. If you do not mind sharing him this should not be a problem, if not, make certain he is completely over her.

So these are the things I’ve been really meaning to say to a couple well-known and not so well-known folks, who honestly need to sit down in a corner somewhere and shut the f*ck up. Seriously. They need to stop.

1. THAT DJ GUY, who insists that he needs to “call out” all the bisexual girls in the party. Ahm dude, we get that two girls going at it is a turn-on but you don’t need to call out the scene, you just sound thirsty and obsessed. You need to stop.

2. THE UBER TALKERS. You know that one girl or guy who doesn’t stop talking from the moment you guys meet up till the moment you grab for the shovel to hit them over the head? Come on chick, nobody cares about your ex three boyfriends ago, and come on dude we secretly roll our eyes every time you brood over the fact that she only wants to be friends. But seriously, nobody but your mamie cares. You need to stop.

3. IG SUPERSTARS. We get that you think you’re a ‘#handsome/#Sexy/#Hot’ #educated #greatsmile #islandloving #greatpersonality but 427 #selfie photos of your face seems a bit #much #overdo. You need to stop.

4. BITTER BIRDS. Yeah taking a horn is tough. And yeah taking 36 horn is probably worse. But you know what? I blame you! You keep picking loser men to take advantage of you, your car, your apartment and your bank account. You need to stop.

5. MILEY MEMES. We saw the awards show, the funny piece of skin hanging where Miley’s ass is supposed to be, the cringe-worthy tongue she kept sticking out, and the glazed popped-a-molly-far-away look in her eyes but the three thousand six hundred and twelve memes that keep circulating the interweb is just not that funny anymore. I stopped laughing around noon the day after the awards. Seriously. You need to stop.