‘Cause lets be real, by that age, everything women thought was so important, everything on their proverbial ‘checklist’, really doesn’t matter that much anymore. Go figure.

Nobody really knows what women want. Nobody. Not even women themselves. How many times have you heard a girl talk about only dating guys who are smart, ambitious and loving, only to get pregnant for an unemployed a**hole who still living by he mudda. However, despite their seemingly labyrinthine nature and desires, women, like all creatures, do display some common behavioural traits and characteristics across age groups. So whether yuh with a smallie who now start UWI or your new pips had she license before the coup, check out the list below to see what exactly yuh hadda have or do to get through.

18-25:

For those of you who studied Business, you would’ve learned about the 4 Ps of Marketing – product, price, place and promotion. Well when it comes to women in this age group, it’s all about the 4 Cs – cash, car, committees and connections. Braces out, ugly duckling phase over and finally old enough to (legally) drink and party, these girls are fresh on de scene and looking to make a name for themselves. They want a man who could pump with them and up their social status in the process. Their checklist consists of the following four questions: Does he have a ride? Can he get me a costume in Tribe or in 51 for free after 12 on a Saturday night? Does he get comps for Scorch parties? Does he have a job or rich parents? Fellas, if you could answer yes to 3 or more of the above, then yuh in de game!

25-30:

These girls have been on de scene for a while already and are not as superficial or airy fairy as their younger counterparts. They walk past and steups now when they see the 21 year-old versions of themselves taking selfie after selfie in 51 bathroom to add to the other 502438 they already have on their Instagram account (#cantbelieveiwasthisyoungandstupid). These women want a relationship (not a fling), with a man (not a boy), who has a steady income (not an allowance). They still like to lime and party, but prefer a more sophisticated pump, i.e. gone are the days of Ladies First and Bachannal Wednesday, start thinking Beach House and One Fete.

30-35:

This age group is one of the trickiest of the lot. These women are too old and experienced to settle for ‘less than they deserve’ but are also too young to throw in the towel just yet. After at least 10 years of dating they’ve gotten burnt and heartbroken (read: horn and f*cked over) at least once and have been left with a negative outlook on men in general. These OTTs (Over Thirty and Toting) are often overheard saying things like “I’m just so fed up of Trini men” or “Are there any good guys left?”. Yes ladies, there are, but that pessimistic and aloof attitude isn’t going to get you one. Truth is, I sympathize with this bunch because I understand that while men are physically and socially entitled to settling down later, women are not this fortunate. A single male in his early 30s can calmly go about his business because he’s ‘still enjoying his prime’ or ‘focussing on his career’, while his female counterpart is freaking out because all her friends are either engaged or already married. This results in the close cousin of the OTT, the Double S (Single and Sour). Guys, if you’re going after one of these, this will be no easy task. It’s gonna take a lot more than a good job, a car and a witty pick-up line to get through. Prepare yourself for serious trust issues, age-onset insecurities and frequent commitment demands. She eh want to hear no ‘well, let’s just see where this goes nah’, is either yuh in or yuh out.

35-40:

Homegirl is pushing forty and worried that she may soon be ‘past her prime’. So she’s on the hunt for a husband, or at the very least, a father figure for her child(ren) from a previous relationship. Be careful here guys, between the gray hair and the wrinkles, she may be willing to rush into a marriage much faster than you are, and yuh cyah blame she cause after all dem eggs drying up (If she doesn’t have kids already). Your best bet here is to simply know and understand up front that this isn’t a relationship where you can wait years and years to get to know each other and then tie the knot when the time is right. That was all well and good when she was 28. Now is “he like me, I like he, he eh bad looking, he have a steady wuk, meh chirren like him and between de both of us we could get a good mortgage”. As if that kind of reasoning wasn’t enough, all her friends keep saying “Susie doh let this one go eh, yuh eh getting any younger.” With all that in mind, yuh might as well start saving for that ring after the third date.

40-50:

By this age, children are basically out of the picture, so more than likely her career would have replaced the gap left by a family. She isn’t looking for a man who can provide for her because she can pretty much take care of herself. She’s looking for companionship; a life partner who she can share her successes and achievements with. If this is the kinda woman you have your eyes on, make sure you’re at least as accomplished as she is or she can (and will) cut style on you. Don’t let what you saw in Think Like A Man fool you, it eh have no female CEO who go shack up with a struggling chef selling from a glorified burger cart. You need to show this woman what you can bring to the table and why as successful as she is, she can still be better off with you.

50 & over

She’s just looking for a boy-toy, nothing more nothing less. So if yuh doh look and fit de part,then doh come round she with yuh big belly, no-stamina self and waste she time. If she wanted that then she would have stayed with her ex-husband from her second marriage. Unless of course she really is looking for something serious, in which case all yuh need is a good pension and sense of humour to keep her laughing well into her later years. ‘Cause lets be real, by that age, everything women thought was so important, everything on their proverbial ‘checklist’, really doesn’t matter that much anymore. Go figure.