Every year as the long awaited Carnival season rolls around, people of the sweet republic of Trinbago swell with the anticipation of the massive star studded fetes, the rivers of alcohol, ‘bumpas like rain’ and the general euphoric atmosphere that completely envelops the entire country. However, there is one thing about this festive occasion that keeps most men up nights in sheer bafflement. A phenomenon as old as time that, for years, has gone unexplained…until now. That is, as young soca star on the rise, Erphaan Alves so colloquially put it, “Where all dem woman does come from daddayyyy?”. This question has plagued the participants of the Greatest Show on Earth for possibly the entirety of its existence as the sexiest women you’ve NEVER SEEN from all over the country decide to use this jubilant occasion to surface for some well deserved air. As such, holding true to our pioneering nature, we tasked our SCORCH Investigative Team to find an answer to this age old question, and after turning over a few rocks, this is what they found:
Fresh out the Womb
The cutest of birds that now crack dey lil egg shell.
These are the girls (and we mean GIRLS) that have previously evaded our gaze because they are just simply too young for us and are probably playing mas for the very first time. Having finally gotten mummy and daddy’s approval to participate in the jamishness that is carnival, these ‘smallies’ don the skimpiest costumes their parents can afford and come out to display their post-pubescent (we hope lol) goodies with maximum enthusiasm. Though young, fresh and green, these females often appear quite ‘ripe’, but are the perfect definition of forbidden fruit.
Fresh out of Jail
Fine young ladies who are finally released back out into civilization after serving their time in a long term relationship that previously kept them from your notice
Yuh not quite sure if she was just hiding behind her man this whole time or he had her chained up in a basement somewhere, but now the shackles are off and her waistline is FREE. As such, it’s moving like never before and grasping the attention of males nationwide. Having been locked away for so long, the world is now their oyster and their behavior reflects such. So fellas, if you happen to encounter such a lady, wine dong low…yuh never know!
The dark depths of South
Jaw dropping females hiding in the Southern abyss of the Trinidadian nether-region that no-one dare explore.
It’s been a long known misconception that Trinidad is just comprised of one island. However, all true Trinbagonians are aware that it is the beautiful composition of Trinidad and Tobago…and South. Yes, we are all privy to all of the jokes insinuating that South is indeed its own country, but what is definitely no joke about our southerners is their absolutely amazing female population. A great fraction of T&T’s stunning female specimens reside quietly beyond Grand Bazaar (yes everything past Grand Bazaar is South), tucked away from the rest of the country. Carnival, however, seems to be the only occasion that encourages these ladies to come get their passports stamped to enter the fray of the mas. So fellas, if outside of the mas ya feeling a lil adventurous, pack a camping bag, organize ya South visa and make sure and walk with a lil net just in case, because these ladies can be quite evasive.
The dark depths of Hell
Caramel coated spawns of Satan, far more devious than Ebola itself.
These anonymous temptresses are well known for their uncanny ability to cause severe palpitations of the heart, engaging and capturing the attention of unwary young males, only to disappear quicker than the ashes on ya forehead Wednesday morning. Creatures of pure seduction (often of the red or mixed gyul category), she lures drunken and disorderly men into her web of deceit, disorienting them with her wicked wine, assertive nature and straying hands. After leading on the men of her choice for the extent of the season (most particularly on the road), these women typically vanish in a poof of smoke just in time for Lent, often leaving their victims with heavy hearts and a loaded scrotum. Carnival first timers BEWARE.
The Bago Diamonds
“Dahlin…you sure you from Tobago??”
Every once in a while, when the season is right and the flowers are in full bloom and the blue moon shines brightly overhead, a rarity occurs where you set eyes upon a magnificent creature that you simply cannot believe has been hidden away on our lovely sister isle all this time. These women are so astoundingly beautiful that they can coerce even the most respectable of men to be back and forth on the T&T Spirit every weekend, mapping every inch of Tobago in search of these rare gems.
Fat Girl Slim
The girls who come from pounds, not towns.
You used to run past her with a breeze while she struggling around the Savannah in all her chubby glory. But while you were off breaking your new year resolutions, she kept to hers and was adamantly shooting it in the gym with her buddy Rick Ross. Now she’s fit as a fiddle and the only thing she’s breaking is necks. Instead of running past her, yuh find yuhself now running BEHIND her. Better hope you can keep up now, lest you join the scores of men in her dust on the road.
The (Un)Born Again Girls
aka the Danah Alleyne’s of Carnival.
The church girls who have been hiding in the pews since Ash Wednesday last year, but have finally abandoned their pastors’ sermon for a different kind of ‘mass’. During this brief hiatus from their holy sanctuary, these ladies break away from all things righteous and indulge in everything and anything under the sun (hence their 363 days of begging for forgiveness). With an all round behavioral score of -9.9 and a hotness rating that’s off the charts, women in this category are some of the wildest and most interesting women you will meet for the Carnival. Bet your bottom dollar, however, that come Ash Wednesday morning, they will be nose deep in a Bible as they bid farewell to the flesh of Monday and Tuesday.
Birds from Foreign
Flying south for the winter, flocks of foreigners find themselves all dolled up in the streets of T&T and putting men in neck brace.
It’s no secret that Carnival is a large tourism attraction, alluring foreigners from all over the world. Coming from far and wide, they descend onto our shores with full force and often move in large groups. Some may not even be that sweet, but the appeal of fresh meat will still have you salivating like a stray dog on Maracas beach. The possibility that she’s most likely lost in your neck of the woods coupled with the fact that she’ll be leaving soon adds to the thrill of going behind it, regardless if you have a gyal or she has a man. But if you are planning to make a move, activate yuhself with a swiftness because tomorrow she’ll be leaving on a jet plane, don’t know when she’ll be back again.
The Waldos
Hiding in plain sight
They in every fete you in YEAR ROUND, but some how they just never found themselves in your eye-line. Now all of a sudden they are all you can see, and they’re burning your eyes right out of your skull. Yuh catch yuhself wondering if its the enormous crowds and excess clutter or maybe even yuh glaucoma that had you ignorant to their existence all along. Regardless, these girls simply leave you re-evaluating how you spend your time when yuh feting.
And finally…
Girls of Carnivals Past
Once your #WCW, but now yuh cyah even make their #TBT
These are the drop dead gorgeous works of art with bodies specially hand crafted by the Lord himself that you first laid eyes on so many Carnivals ago. However, due to various reasons (most likely a _uck up on your part), she no longer wants anything to do with you and has since, consequently, dropped all the way off your radar. Now years later, you feast your eyes on her for the first time all over again and her beauty is even more ridonkulous than you remember. However, before you decide to try and make a lil tack back, try to recall what had you in the doghouse in the first place (it may come in handy).
When all is said and done, Carnival is, without a doubt, the time when the sweetest girls come out from every crack and crevice to play deyself. So take a proper read and familiarize yuhself so you could differentiate which category the gyal you going behind falls into and go forth and ‘make yuh name’ in the streets this season.
