As my pen name “De Sanitation Specialist” implies, I have made it my life’s mission to confront and call out the sh!t that exists in our society. Oftentimes I really want to tell people they “modda so and so” but then I remember that being a “loud-mouth-opinionated-know-it-all-grammar-nazi” is not cool and I might probably get bitch-slapped for it anyway. BUT *cue choir of angels singing* then I remember that those smarty-pants at Scorch gave me a section called “Quality Control” to vent all my pent-up, deep-seated daddy issues, and believe me, in this episode I proudly fly my a-hole flag, just because I can!
So these are the things I’ve been really meaning to say to a couple well-known and not so well-known folks, who honestly need to sit down in a corner somewhere and shut the f*ck up. Seriously. They need to stop.
1. THAT DJ GUY, who insists that he needs to “call out” all the bisexual girls in the party. Ahm dude, we get that two girls going at it is a turn-on but you don’t need to call out the scene, you just sound thirsty and obsessed. You need to stop.
2. THE UBER TALKERS. You know that one girl or guy who doesn’t stop talking from the moment you guys meet up till the moment you grab for the shovel to hit them over the head? Come on chick, nobody cares about your ex three boyfriends ago, and come on dude we secretly roll our eyes every time you brood over the fact that she only wants to be friends. But seriously, nobody but your mamie cares. You need to stop.
3. IG SUPERSTARS. We get that you think you’re a ‘#handsome/#Sexy/#Hot’ #educated #greatsmile #islandloving #greatpersonality but 427 #selfie photos of your face seems a bit #much #overdo. You need to stop.
4. BITTER BIRDS. Yeah taking a horn is tough. And yeah taking 36 horn is probably worse. But you know what? I blame you! You keep picking loser men to take advantage of you, your car, your apartment and your bank account. You need to stop.
5. MILEY MEMES. We saw the awards show, the funny piece of skin hanging where Miley’s ass is supposed to be, the cringe-worthy tongue she kept sticking out, and the glazed popped-a-molly-far-away look in her eyes but the three thousand six hundred and twelve memes that keep circulating the interweb is just not that funny anymore. I stopped laughing around noon the day after the awards. Seriously. You need to stop.
